


My Turning Page

by RachelleOfAllTrades



Series: Maxiana Trevelyan [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Background story, Demons, Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, F/M, Family, Fluff, Forbidden Love, Friendship, Haven (Dragon Age), Kirkwall, Letters, Love at First Sight, Mages, Ostwick, Ostwick Circle, POV Alternating, POV Multiple, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Song Lyrics, Templars, The Fade, song titles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2019-08-29 00:15:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 34,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16733370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachelleOfAllTrades/pseuds/RachelleOfAllTrades
Summary: Maxiana Trevelyan and Cullen Rutherford both had their reasons for keeping everyone at arms length. When both of them wind up in Haven serving the Inquisition, neither of them can seem to figure out why it is that despite their normal precautions they can't seem to stay away from each other.💜Follow me ontumblrfor updates and DA stuffs!💜Kudos and comments greatly appreciated!





	1. Sorry For Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen Rutherford is only 8 years old when he realizes he wants to be a Templar.

## Sorry For Now

> _“So I’ll be sorry for now_  
>  _That I couldn’t be around._  
>  _Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned._  
>  _Oh I’ll be sorry for now_  
>  _That I couldn’t be around._  
>  _There will be a day when you will understand.”_  
>  _~”Sorry For Now” by LINKIN PARK_

###  **26 August 9:19 Dragon**

“Mia! Mia! Mia!” Cullen exclaimedto his older sister while trying to catch his breath. The Rutherford children had spent much of their time outside. Even if they were not helping their mother or father with the farm they were still typically outdoors this time of the year. Taking advantage of the warm sunny days before they turned bitter and cold with winter. Mia was sitting on the stairs of the deck to their family home when he came running up. His blond curls all messed up from the wind they caught in his haste. He had been at the Chantry spending nearly all day talking to the Templars. Well, more like begging them to train him rather than actually talking to them.

“What is it Cullen?” Mia replied as she rose to her feet. Even being two years older, she was slightly taller than Cullen but she knew that wouldn’t last much longer. Body still soft with childhood, the signs of becoming a woman had begun to take shape. Her blonde hair matched her brothers but was bone straight and fell long down her back. Her green eyes staring in wonder at her first sibling’s excitement.

“Mia I want to become a Templar!” Cullen shouted with the biggest smile he was sure he ever donned. “The Knight-Commander was training his men outside today. You should’ve seen it! The way they use their swords and shields. I was nearly shaking I wanted to join them so badly. They get to help people too. I want to do that. I have to be a Templar!”

By now, they’re two younger siblings, Branson and Rosalie had come over to them and they joined Mia in her giggles.

“Maker, a Templar? Why would you want to do such a thing? We’re meant to stay here and tend to the farm once mother and father are no longer able.” Branson stated. Branson looked much like Cullen in many ways. Even at the age of six years he was tall and broad somehow. His eyes matched that of his brothers but his hair was dark brown opposed to the blonde of his older sister and brother. Some form of efficiency their mother had accomplished, baring them each two years in stride with the next, he was the next youngest of the Rutherford siblings leaving Rosalie to be the youngest at the age of only four years. Unlike her older brothers and sister, she was very slender. Though even given this unique trait, there was no denying that she was one of the Rutherfords.

Rosalie was next to Cullen now tugging lightly on his arm. Sadness evident on her face, “But Cull if you become a Templar then you will have to leave!”

Cullen quickly scooped up his baby sister in his arms holding her tightly, “I know my dearest Rose but can you imagine your big brother in full armor, standing proud, helping and protecting people.”

They all could. Of the four of them Cullen was the most chivalrous. He always went out of his way to ensure others were all right and taken care of. He was the mediator of the family and often brought the others to see reason and apologize when feelings were hurt.

“What in Thedas will mother say Cullen? She is not going to let you run off to be a Templar!” Mia said firmly, signs of her elderliness showing through.

“Then I’ll just have to convince her. What could possibly happen to me when I’m with the Templars? They are our greatest protectors. I want to do that too.” Cullen repeated.

Cullen had the curse of stubbornness more than the others. Each off them giving him incredulous looks combined with sighs and crossed arms. Mia and Branson bantered back and forth about their brother’s revelation while Rosalie’s grip on his arm tightened.

After a defiant shout of ‘It doesn’t matter because he’s not going anywhere’ coming from Mia, a burst of adrenaline burst his confidence to take the matter to their parents. Cullen turned to head into the house with Mia at his flank. He unsure if she was there to support him or be ready to rub his nose in it by the smirk she carried. Journeying to the living room of their farmhouse, their parents sat together on the little sofa there.

Stan and Gail Rutherford were not people of good wealth and fortune but were very proud. They made do with their farm, trading with local townsfolk to keep them well off. They also raised children known to be quite well behaved which went farther than one might imagine. It was no small feat since there are four of them. They were often the family those in need came too and they were always willing to help others when they could.

“Ma, Pa, can I talk to you?” Cullen’s voice was much smaller now. Preparing himself for the answer he knew was coming but hoping all the same. Losing his confidence more and more as they raised their eyes to him.

“Of course my darling, what is it?” his mother replied. Gail Rutherford was a strong woman in body and mind. She tended to the gardens on their families small estate as well as making knitted goods to sell for extra income. Cullen got his blonde curls from her though the girls seemed to have received her piercing green eyes.

“Well, it’s just… ummm…. there’s something…. that is too say….” Cullen began as his hand found its way to the back of his neck.

“My son, is something wrong?” his father inquired. Stan Rutherford was a broad and tall man something he undoubtedly passed onto his sons. Many years of tending to the animals and farm giving him definition in his arms and chest. Cullen’s mother always made notice of it though he had no idea why. Cullen and Branson both aspired to be just like their father. He was a very proud man, tough and firm when necessary. But he never resorted to any type of violence. Always trying to find a different path, a better way. He treated his mother like she was the Queen of Fereldan herself and that always seemed to please her in such a way. Stan was quite tall standing just under six and a half feet. His dark hair given to his two youngest children while his smoldering brown eyes were passed on to both his boys.

“No! Of course not. It is just… Well you see I was at the Chantry and…” he was beginning to sweat and his face was turning red.

“Ma, Pa, Cull wants to be a Templar! You can’t let him! I don’t want him to leave!” Rose blurted out, holding a death grip on his arm and her face buried in his sleeve soaking through the fabric as she sobbed.

Stan and Gail’s brows raised in surprise. His father almost looked proud but his mother looked absolutely terrified.

“Absolutely not. I will not have you taken away from me to waste your life away in a Circle or Maker knows where else! You belong here with us.” Gail stated.

“Now my love, don’t be so quick to dismiss his wishes. Templars are well respected and I know our boy will work his way up to Knight-Commander in no time!” Stan beamed, winking at his son. This pleased Cullen greatly but seemed to be a slap in the face for his mother and siblings.

“He is only eight years of age Stan! Maker’s breath, I will not allow it!”

Stan seemed to not hear Gail’s pleading, “I am so very proud of you for coming to us with such a noble request! Let us discuss this on our own for a time.” His fathers words were final.

“C’mon Cullen, let’s go play chess for a while,” Mia grabbed his arm and tugged him toward the outside deck of their home. She would inevitably allow him to win and would be entirely too obvious about it. He welcomed the distraction anyway as they could hear his parents talking as they walked away. Deciding his fate with each hurried and hushed word.

As the four of them sat together around the little table, Mia began to set the board. Disappointment radiating from Cullen as they waited.

“That could have been worse.” Branson said suddenly.

“I suppose so.” Cullen replied.

Rose snuggled up close to Cullen, sitting down onto his lap and gripping his neck tightly. “Please don’t leave Cull,” she yawned. “I want you to stay,” she mumbled as she fell asleep.

The siblings didn’t speak of it again that night.

 

###  **10 Cloudreach 9:24 Dragon**

The children were down by the lake. No doubt taking advantage of the unusually warm weather and having a swim. Gail was out tending to the garden. A fresh batch of Elfroot ready to be pruned along with several vegetables thanks to the heat wave that had hit Honnleath. Stan was in the barn hauling fresh hay into the stables when he heard heavy footsteps accompanied by the jangling of armor approach the barn doors.

“Sorry to bother you sir, but are you Stanton Rutherford?” the man asked.

Stan brushed his hands quickly on a rag and walked up to the Templar, “Yes, Stan would be just fine,” extending his hand to the Templar who took it firmly, “is something wrong?”

If this man wasn’t a Templar Stan would’ve sworn he was from Honnleath. It was mostly a farming community and the man looked the part even in his armor. He was almost as tall as Stan but not quite. His frame was a little more slender but still broad no doubt from his many years of training. He looked to be older possibly close to retirement for a Templar, which wasn’t old. Their job was quite demanding and the lyrium easily took the minds of many. His hair was balding and kept nearly skin tight and his eyes were dark.

The Templar gestured towards Gail, whose gaze had fallen on the two men. “Not at all, perhaps we should have this discussion with your wife as well.”

Stan nodded in return leading the way towards the small table on their deck while beckoning for Gail to come over. He was fearful this day would come and it didn’t escape his attention that his wife’s eyes suddenly looked saddened.

“Can I get your anything, Ser? Some water perhaps?”

“Yes, that would be lovely,” he replied as Gail rushed off.

While they waited for Gail to return with cups and a pitcher of water the two men took their seats at the table. Tension was incredibly palpable, as the Rutherfords knew this conversation would happen one day and the Knight-Captain feeling uneasy about the discussion about to take place. It wasn’t often that a highly determined thirteen year old wanted to join the Order. Most children came to them at a much younger age and were usually _given_ not personally volunteering.

“Well, I suppose I should get straight into shall I?” the man said and was answered with shallow nods. “My name is Daniel McPherson but you may call me Dan. I am current Knight-Captain at Kinloch Hold. I was passing through here on some business for the Order when I noticed an exceptionally well trained young man on the training grounds with some of the men. His fighting style is nothing like I’ve seen in some time. It reminds me of that of a lion,” he chuckled. “Cautious, analytical, and stealthy at first, but fast, determined, and powerful when he strikes. I watched him for some time and after speaking to him he seems determined to join the Order.”

Gail looked as though she may start crying but was trying her best to be reserved. Stan looked pleased, proud even, but also somewhat shaken. They had witnessed the kids all playing and training with Cullen many times but hadn’t realized just how advanced he had become. Losing his son’s presence day in and day out not knowing what was happening to him, where he was, if he was okay, he was not sure he was ready for it.

“No amount of time could’ve prepared us for the day you would come to us, Ser.” Stan said. “He came to us around five years ago telling us he wanted to be a Templar. Despite our best efforts, he was determined to train with the local Chantry Templars and we had no other choice but to allow it. Mia, our eldest, started allowing him to train with her some time after. She’s been his biggest supporter since he told us of his desire to be a Templar. He quickly over powered her and has been at the Chantry more and more by the day. She’s even convinced our other two children to help him prepare for the Order as well, much to our disagreement. Selfish as we are, the thought that the others may want to follow him is terrifying. I’d wager he’s at the Chantry more than he is here at this point. Cullen has wanted this for so long. We knew he would leave us eventually.” Stan paused, his eyes locking with his wife’s.

Both of them not wanting to say what they were really concerned about as they knew the answer would not change the odds in their favor. Stan sat with his mouth slightly open, as if he couldn’t will the words to come out. Gail said it before he could, “He’s just so young Knight-Captain.”

“That may be so but even at his age he would have some catching up to do. I promise you that he will be well taken care of. Unfortunately, until his vigil is taken at 18 years of age he will have limited contact with you. That time is meant for focus, training and education through the Chantry. Once he takes his vigil however, you will be more than welcome to write to him as often as you wish or visit when you can and same for him to you.”

Just then, the sound of running footsteps and laughter rang out and the four Rutherford children came quickly into view. Branson made it to the house first. “Ha! I win! I told you that I am the fastest!”

“All right already! No need to be so smug!” Mia replied pushing him slightly on his shoulder while trying to catch her breath.

“Mia, you really shouldn’t… say such things… given the fit you gave… when Cull bested you… in chess just yesterday.” Rose said panting heavily as she spoke. “Right Cull?!” She looked to her brother whose attention had been stolen by the three sitting at the small table just above them. His face white as a ghost and his expression unwavering.

“Mia, Bran, Rose, why don’t the three of you go inside and get ready for supper?” Gail demanded gesturing to the front door. Her tone harsher than usual. They reluctantly retreated into the house while Cullen stayed behind. He swore he caught a looks of surprise, anger, and sorrow on their faces before they disappeared through the door.

“My son, please come and join us.” Stan gestured, his hand held out to the empty seat at this side.

Cullen had been unable to move himself. As if his legs had suddenly filled with lead and he’d be rooted to the spot he stood forever. Watching their faces, he found encouragement in the Knight-Captain’s expression and somehow willed his legs to finally climb up the small staircase and over the small table where they sat.

“Cullen I have come to speak to your parents on your behalf about joining the Order” Dan told him. “Perhaps you should talk to them more about what you and I have discussed.”

Cullen nodded his head and took his seat. His parents staring intently at him waiting for the words he wished would come to his mouth.

“Well, I… I was telling the Knight-Captain about my training at the Chantry. How I told you I wanted to be a Templar when I was eight years of age.”

“Perhaps you should tell them more about _why_ you want to be a Templar,” the Knight-Captain prompted.

“All right.” Cullen nodded. Taking a deep breath, the words came rushing out of him as he felt a sudden jolt of confidence, “I want to help people Ma and Pa. What better way to do that than be a Templar? Maybe I could even come back to Honnleath and serve here in the Chantry so I won’t be far away! The Order is well respected and they do good in the world. I want to be a part of that. I want to do good.”

Stan and Gail looked defeated as they watched their first son make his case. It was Gail who spoke first, “Oh my dearest son. Since you were a little lad all you’ve ever wanted to do was help others. Once when you were only three you took too tending to Mia when she twisted her ankle. Assuring her she would be all right and that you would hurt whoever did it to her. Little did you understand she did it to herself!” the woman chuckled lightly at the memory but then her face fell as another memory surfaced. “You stayed by my side while I gave birth to your baby sister, tending to my every need and have been her best friend and protector since.”

She sighed knowing that at his leave a whole would be there in her family, one that could never be filled again. “You have so much love in your heart my son. I’ve always known you were destined to do great things. Suffice it to say that part of our reserve in allowing you this is selfish. We do not wish to lose you from our lives so soon,” she said as she reached over and lightly stroked her son’s face. Tears threatening to spill over her bottom lids.

Stan nodded in agreement, reaching for Cullen’s hand and grasping it tightly, “Are you absolutely sure this is what you want? This decision should not be made lightly, if there is any doubt then you should stay until you are ready. We know you are well trained in combat already but what of the lyrium? Son, what if it one day…” _it takes your mind._ He couldn’t finish the thought aloud and no one dared offer the rest of his concern though they each shared it.

Cullen placed his other hand on his mothers and gripped the hands of his parents tightly, “Ma, Pa, I have never been so certain of anything as I am of this. I want to be a Templar.”

Tears flowed freely at his words from Gail’s eyes as she stood and retreated into the house. A gentle “I’m sorry” falling from her lips. Cullen was trying not to hold it against her but he had to admit that it stung a little to watch her walk away from him in such a way. He knew that this would be hard on all of them but he hadn’t thought to emotionally prepare himself to say goodbye. It was what he’d wanted for five years and his desire had blinded him from consequence when he found the opportunity for his dream to become reality.

“Then it has been decided. You shall leave with the Knight-Captain to begin your training with the Order.” Stan squeezed Cullen’s hand as he spoke “Despite our emotions here today Cullen, please know that we are proud of you. This will not be easy on us nor you but I assure you we support you no matter what. I should go check on your mother.” He quickly retreated into the house.

“You have a good family behind you,” Dan assured Cullen who returned his words with a small nod. “I am leaving in three days time. You are not allowed to take personal possessions with you so you must leave everything behind. Take these three days to enjoy your family and say your goodbyes. I will be here to retrieve you when it is time.”

Knight-Captain Dan made his leave and Cullen headed into the house. Standing there just inside the door was Rose, her bright green eyes vacant yet firm.

“Are you leaving Cull?” she mumbled through a broken voice.

His head falling forward slightly in response, she ran at him full speed grabbing him around the waist and sobbing uncontrollably. “You can’t! Please don’t leave! I’m going to miss you too much!”

Cullen said nothing in return, only held her tighter than he ever had before knowing this was just the beginning of what would be a very difficult journey.

Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t hold back the tears that pooled in his eyes from flowing down his cheeks as he sank to his knees and buried his face into his baby sisters shoulder, soaking the long curly brown hair that laid there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	2. Your Loving Sister, Mia

###  **9:30 Dragon, During the Fifth Blight**

> _Dearest Cullen,_
> 
> _It is unfortunate that I must write this letter to you. The Blight has done a number on Honnleath and I’m broken-hearted to say our farm has been destroyed._
> 
> _Bran, Rose, and myself managed to make it to South Reach but Ma and Pa… Oh Cullen, I am so sorry but they did not make it. They both had the Blight and we had no choice but to leave them behind. They insisted we do so. You know how they are. I am certain by now they have both passed._
> 
> _Last I heard you planned to visit us soon. Ma was so very excited as was Pa. I wish you could’ve seen how incredibly proud they were of you. It was not easy for quite some time but we fell into the routine of things after your leave sure enough. We often still waited for you to come running from the Chantry for supper or to meet us at our little table for chess. Maker, I hope you know how much we miss and love you Cullen._
> 
> _For this to be our first correspondence after saying our goodbyes all those years ago, it breaks my heart over and over again with each word I write. I should have written to you sooner but a part of me was still hurting. That’s Rutherford stubbornness for you is it not?_
> 
> _I hope that despite this news you are well. We’ve heard whispers of things happening at Kinloch Hold and hope that they are only rumors at best. Is it true the Hero of Fereldan is from your Circle? Did you know her? As ridiculous as I know this is, Cullen, please be safe._
> 
> _Still visit if you can. Rose is absolutely devastated and it would do greatly for her to see you again. Even now she still calls out for you in her sleep sometimes._
> 
> _Either way, please write back. I miss you so very much. We all do._
> 
> _Your loving sister,_
> 
> _Mia_

### 

> _Mia,_
> 
> _I am sorry to hear about Ma and Pa. I was looking forward to seeing them._
> 
> _Kinloch Hold was_ _All I can manage to write is that it’s far worse than anything you likely heard. Yes, I knew her but not very well._
> 
> _I don’t know if I’ll be able to visit anytime in the near future. I will try to write again soon._
> 
> _I miss you all too._
> 
> _With Love,_
> 
> _Cullen_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	3. Misguided Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maxiana Trevelyan, eldest of the family and Papa's favorite finds herself wandering the beach in a dream but it's different than it has ever been before.

##  **Misguided Ghosts**

 

> _“We are just misguided ghosts._  
>  _Traveling endlessly._  
>  _The ones we trusted the most_  
>  _Pushed us far away._  
>  _And there’s no one road._  
>  _We should not be the same._  
>  _But I’m just a ghost_  
>  _And they still echo me.”_  
>  _~ ‘Misguided Ghosts’ by Paramore_

###  **29 Solace 9:20 Dragon**

It was a typical sunny warm day in Ostwick at the Trevelyan estate. Maxiana’s birthday was the following day and the house was buzzing as it prepared for the party that awaited the eldest Trevelyan child. Their family home was right on the shores of the Waking Sea and they frequently enjoyed their stretch of it’s beaches as Maxiana and her mother were now.

“My dearest Ana, I cannot even believe you will be nine years of age tomorrow! It seems like I had just found out you were in my belly not so long ago,” her mother, Lucia, proclaimed. Lucia was the very definition of a beautiful Antivan woman. She was just slightly above average height with the kind of curves that sent many into a frenzy. Naturally tanned skin deepened each moment she spent on the beach and her hair was long and dark as the night during a new moon. Bright grey eyes that could easily get you to confess to anything gazed purposefully. Their color had been bestowed upon each of her children. Lucia’s eyes locked with Maxiana’s and a look of confusion crossed her face. “Ana, won’t you come closer to me?”

Maxiana looked up to her mother with a warm smile and moved to sit right on her lap. “Your eyes my dear, they look…” Lucia was unable to finish her observations when the sound of her husbands footsteps sounded just behind them.

“Ana! I got you the most magnificent gift! I cannot wait to see your face when you receive it tomorrow!” Brett proclaimed. Her father was the complete opposite of her mother. His complexion was pale though it often held a bronze from his exposure to the sun. He was slender and tall with light brown hair that had started to grey. His eyes were a deep dark brown and they danced with delight when Maxiana started to bounce in anticipation.

“Papa it is only a day early. Why not let me have it today instead?” She insisted.

Brett chuckled, “Now, now you have waited a whole year for your birthday and I don’t believe one more day is going to hurt.” He winked at her and she ran to him accepting a hug as his arms flew open. No one was closer to her father than she. Perhaps even more so than her mother. Though their marriage was arranged they loved each other deeply. Even so, Brett went every extra mile for Ana, always. Something she was often teased for by the other members of their family.

Suddenly there was a loud _thud_ followed by a _smash_ from inside the house. Their heads snapped at the sound. Brett said through clenched teeth, “Those boys better not have…”

As they walked into the house working their way through to where the noise had come from Maxiana started questioning her father relentlessly. Desperate to know what her gift was.

“Is it a pet?”

“No.”

“Hmmm. Is it a new dress?”

“No.”

“What about a new book?”

“No.”

“Please Papa! I can’t wait until tomorrow! I’ll be extra good, I promise!”

They rounded the corner and the three of them stood in shock. Lucia’s hand flew to the front of her mouth as they stood as Brett’s balled into fists at his sides, his face growing red with anger. Maxiana stared in confused wonder and irritation all at once.

“Papa?” She asked as her eyes began to pool with tears.

“I am so sorry my dear Ana. I will get it fixed, I promise,” he replied.

It was her surprise birthday present he explained. He had only been teasing her as he intended on giving it to her a day early anyhow as there was no way of hiding the ginormous thing. Especially not from a clever girl like Maxiana.

It was a brand new wardrobe. Something she had been obsessively asking to have for months now. Her small wardrobe was starting to cramp as she grew in size. Now laying on the floor, the new wardrobe had three doors, the two on the sides smaller than the middle door which contained a full mirror. It had been painted in Maxiana’s favorite shade of periwinkle purple with intricate detail of different constellations painted on it. Each with the constellations name and Astrarium locations. Maxiana had always been fascinated with the subject from an early age. Its mirror was now cracked and shattered into smaller pieces, some of the detailed wood work on the top had broken off, and one of it’s legs was cracked.

“BOYS! GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE AT ONCE!” Brett yelled.

Thunder sounded on the stairwell as the two twin boys ran quickly down. Obviously hiding something as they stopped in front of their father without meeting his gaze. Their faces holding smirks whenever they looked in Maxiana’s direction. They shared many of their fathers features aside from the grey eyes they got from their mother.

“What in the Maker’s name did the two of you think would happen? Did you think us fools to not know you were the culprits behind this crime?” Brett’s face was red as he yelled.

“It was an accident Papa!” Maddix exclaimed.

“Yeah Papa! An accident! We didn’t mean it!” Makai defended.

“Maker’s breath! Dixi, Kai, explain yourselves!” Lucia said firmly.

“Well, we saw it down here,” Maddix began.

“And we wanted to see if there was anything inside,” Makai continued.

“So we tried to open the door but it was stuck!”

“We pulled and pulled and pulled trying to free the door.”

“Then it just fell over!” the twins said in unison. Conspiracy dripping from their words.

Footsteps were heard coming down the stairs as the fourth and second eldest Trevelyan child made her way to the scene. Maxiana’s first sibling, Mackenzie was just over a year younger than she. She nearly looked exactly like her sister but had their father’s light brown hair opposed to the dark hue Maxiana shared with their mother. While Maxiana liked having her hair shorter cutting it just over her shoulders Mackenzie hardly ever cut hers allowing it to grow incredibly long. It was quite passed her waist by now at only the age of seven years.

“What happened down here? Ana what’s wrong?” She noticed Maxiana had begun to cry as she spoke. Maxiana never answered her. Instead pushing passed her sister as the tears started to flow freely and sobs escaped her mouth. She bound up the stairs and into her chambers. She thought she heard the boys say something about their father always giving her the better gifts but shook it off.

Slamming the door shut, she wished she could lock it tight to be left alone to cry. Surely the boys would be punished and her father would get the wardrobe fixed but she just couldn’t help the emotions that overtook her. Her fingers were tingling and she couldn’t shake the feeling away.

There was a light knock on the door some moments later.

“Ana, may I come in?” Mackenzie asked.

“Yes, all right.” Maxiana agreed. It was best to allow her sister in. She was a persistent creature and would likely be knocking every five minutes asking if she could come in until Maxiana caved and gave her entry. She was holding a large bag with a hanger that poked out of the top. It ruffled as she walked into the room.

“I know you’re sad about the wardrobe but father asked me to bring this up to you. He hopes it’ll make you feel better. It was inside of it. It is meant to be for your birthday party tomorrow.”

Maxiana grabbed the bag from her sister and laid it out on her bed. She carefully unbuttoned it and pulled out the most magnificent dress. It’s color matched the wardrobe, periwinkle purple. It had an empire waist with a belt of large flowers that matched in color. From the waist up it was covered in a lace that also made up its sleeves. Where the bend of her elbow would go on either side was a ribbon to loosen and tighten the wide lace ruffle detail that began there. Below its belt was a skirt that looked that it would fall just to her knees and it was made of tulle that was four layers deep. A soft satin filled the interior of the dress. She squealed with excitement when she turned it to its back seeing a big bow that held the belt on and a cutout back that formed the shape of a heart.

“Oh Kenzie it’s gorgeous! He’s so silly, he told me he didn’t get me a dress! Do you think he’ll be angry if I try it on?”

Mackenzie laughed, “No I don’t think so Ana. He’s quite mad at our brothers at the moment. Technically he didn’t lie to you. The dress is from Mama.” She shrugged.

The girls spent the rest of the night playing dress up with all the dresses they could find. Pretending to be a noble lady like their mother or acting as if they were a princess or queen. Mackenzie was easily her best friend, someone she could share anything with and feel free to be herself. Other than her father, she was closest to her sister. Their bond going deeper than sisterhood and friendship.

Some time later they were collected for supper. Everyone was quiet at the dinner table which was highly unusual with the twin boys present. After they finished eating they approached Maxiana.

“Ana, we are very sorry we broke your wardrobe. It was an accident. Please forgive us.” They said together in unison once more. Maker, it was annoying!

Maxiana fought the shiver that always came when they recited together in such a way, “It’s ok boys. I know it was an accident. At least you are unharmed.”

Maddix and Makai looked pleased with her acceptance and gave her a quick hug before heading upstairs to ready for bed. Soon Maxiana was doing the same.

She wasn’t sure she would be able to sleep. Despite the wardrobe being broken tomorrow still promised to be quite amazing. All of her friends would be coming to celebrate with her. After she had her bath and was comfortably in her night gown she slipped into bed. Her father came and tucked her in and she couldn’t help but feel that today was just the beginning. Of what she had no clue but her gut instinct was telling her to be ready.

“My Ana, how did we get so lucky to have such a strong, compassionate little girl like you?”

She smiled wide at his words but said nothing.

“I have already sent word to get your wardrobe fixed straightaway. Kenzie gave you your dress, yes?” he inquired.

She nodded her head in response. “Yes, Papa, it’s very beautiful. I have to confess I tried it on already. I was just too excited!”

He chuckled at her, “But of course! I wish I could’ve seen the look on your face. When your mother brought it home and showed me I knew that it would bring you such joy. I can’t wait to see how beautiful you look in it tomorrow. Do try to get some sleep all right?”

She wrapped her arms around him tightly, “I love you Papa. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, my Ana. I love you so very much,” he replied with a warm smile, his fingers lingering on her cheek after brushing her hair aside when it fell to her face as she rest on her pillow.

Despite her excitement for her coming celebration she fell fast asleep within moments. Something felt odd about the Fade though. Almost as if it were more vivid in color and alive with detail. She was out on the beach just as she had been earlier that day with her parents. But this time she was alone and very aware of it. She looked around before she saw something looming towards her just down the beach.

“Maker! A demon!” she started to panic and lose her breath, knowing she needed to get out of her dream as fast as she could. She pinched as hard as possible on her arm but it was no use. The demon moved in closer and her hands started to tingle.

Her eyes were wide when she realized, “No. It can’t be. It can’t. No, no, no!”

There was only one way she was getting out of this dream. The tingle she kept feeling on her fingertips had come and gone for a few weeks now. Always shaking it off, she only now realized what it really meant. She had to embrace it, _accept it_.

Closing her eyes, she fought back the tears while she tried to focus on relaxing. Trying to allow the foreign energy pulsing through her fingertips to radiate even more. It wasn’t far off now. It would reach her at any moment and try to turn her into an abomination. She focused harder still willing whatever it was to work its way through her. Despite what she was she would never be an abomination, would never allow a demon to possess her.

She woke and sat straight up in bed. Moving so quickly it took her a moment to gain her balance. She looked down at her hands that were covered in sparks of periwinkle purple lightning. She jumped out of bed looking into the mirror. Small specks of the color flashed through her iris’ until she found control over the powers flowing through her.

 _It wasn’t just a dream. This is real. What will I do?_ She thought. _I can’t believe it. I’m a mage._

 

###  **30 Solace 9:22 Dragon**

She had managed to keep it a secret for two years now. She had no idea how she’d done it but she had. There were plenty of times she should have been easily caught but never was.

Today was her eleventh birthday. After her first encounter with a demon in the fade and finding the lightning dancing on her fingers two years prior, this day had lost meaning. Now it was just a reminder that she would either be hiding for the rest of her life or be imprisoned in a Circle. She did her best to put on a brave face but she was sure no one was buying it.

Her mother was very pregnant with her coming baby sister. She had been placed on bed rest until her arrival. Lucia hardly noticed anything these days as she was confined and often half awake. Pregnancy was taking its toll on her and Maxiana heard her say more than a few times that the twin’s pregnancy was easier than this one.

Her father noticed her becoming increasingly jumpy over the couple of years and always showed concern. Today was no exception. Maxiana had been sitting outside tucked away into the trees that lined the beach practicing little bouts of magic that no one could see unless they were up close. She heard her father call for her from the house and she nearly found herself clinging to the branches above as she jumped so high in her terror that she may be discovered.

“I’m sorry Papa, you gave me an awful fright,” she said with a breathy voice as she approached him.

“My sweet Ana, is everything all right with you? You seem to shake and jump out of your skin whenever any of us interact with you! You seclude yourself so much these days,” he said with nothing but concern and suspicion. Brow furrowing and eyes focused sharply on her reaction.

“Of course, Papa. I’m fine. You just startled me is all,” she wasn’t fooling him she could see it in his eyes. She pressed on anyway finding her way into the house waiting for guests to arrive to celebrate her birthday.

“Young lady, I was still speaking to you! Did you hear anything I said?”

She was frozen in shock. She hadn’t heard him at all. What was wrong with her? “No, I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.”

Her father sighed, “Maker, Ana. You’re really starting to worry this old man. Your party will be starting shortly. Go and get ready.”

As the day went on Maxiana was having a harder and harder time keeping herself under control. Growing increasingly uninterested in her party, he just wanted to go to her room and practice her spells. She’d managed to sneak a tome with simple spells in it. Using her status as a Trevelyan to retrieve the heavy book from her Tevinter ancestors who were all too happy to provide what she needed. She had taught herself every single spell within. There was comfort in her magic. Like an old friend greeting her and making her feel warm and loved when she cast.

She hadn’t realized just how hard it had been to keep her powers under control. She felt absolutely exhausted and only wanted to sleep by the time the party reached its end. Maxiana quickly retreated back to her chambers. Before she could shut the door her twin brothers were there in the doorway wearing mischievous smirks.

“We know what you are Ana!” They said in unison.

“I’m sorry but I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now shoo, I’d like to rest.”

“Or maybe you wanted to read this!” Maddix exclaimed as he held up the tome.

“Maker’s breath! How did you find that?”

“Ana! You said a swear!” Maddix gasped. Both the boys giggled.

“It wasn’t very hard. You don’t hide things very well.” Makai explained. _Ironic._ She thought.

“Yes, well, give it back!” She reached out for the tome but missed when Maddix quickly pulled it away.

“No! Not unless you promise to show us some _magic tricks_.”

“I don’t have the faintest idea what you think I can show you. Now give it back!” she exclaimed.

In the act of yelling at one another none of them had heard their sister sneak up behind them. Something she was entirely too good at. “What’s all this yelling about?” Mackenzie inquired.

“It’s nothing, the boys took one of my tomes and won’t give it back,” she pouted at her knowing she’d have her back.

“Two against one, that’s not fair at all is it!” Mackenzie said playfully. Not knowing exactly what the tome contained and what it meant about her older sister. Soon the Trevelyan children were dancing around one another laughing and giggling as the boys traded the tome back and forth and eluded the girls every measure to capture it.

Before they knew it Mackenzie had managed to grab hold of the tome. “Ha! Got it!” she shouted, satisfied with her victory. Promptly looking down at the tome, Ana watched her sisters face go through many emotions in the blink of an eye. Confusion, sadness, anger, curiosity, and fear.

“Ana… how did you… Ana please tell me I’m reading this incorrectly,” she finally mustered.

Ana reached out and grabbed the tome from her sister, “I’m sorry sister but you’re not. Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to be sent away to a Circle,” her eyes were filling with tears now.

“Kenzie, please!” The boys added for good measure.

She thought for a few moments then asked, “How long?”

“Since my ninth birthday, two years ago,” Maxiana replied in a small voice.

Her siblings eyes grew wide with shock as they trained their gazes on their oldest sibling.

“Maker, Ana! You’ve been hiding this for two whole years? No wonder you jump out of your skin all the time,” Makai said.

“If we don’t tell then she can show us cool magic tricks!” Maddix exclaimed.

Maxiana and Mackenzie both stared with their ‘big sister’ look at the two boys.

“I don’t do _magic tricks_ you weirdos,” Maxiana finally said.

“What can you do?” Mackenzie asked quietly.

Suddenly Maxiana felt lighter than she had in months, years really. They were in on the secret and they were going to help her keep it. They hadn’t become afraid of her or treated her like she wasn’t a person. They still loved her and wanted to be around her.

She sighed slightly but couldn’t fight the smile that showed on her face, “You all promise to keep this a secret?”

Each of them nodded their heads enthusiastically. Maxiana ushered them into her chambers and shut the door, setting a small ward she had learned. It wouldn’t keep anyone out but it would notify her if someone was coming close. Maddix and Makai jumped in excitement while Mackenzie just stared at her sister’s chamber door. Reaching a hand out as if to touch the ward that had been placed.

“Maker,” she said in astonishment. “What else can you do?”

“Do you have a specialty? I’ve heard mages have specialties,” Maddix said matter-of-factly.

“Well, I don’t quite know since I haven’t had proper training. But storm magic seems to be the most natural for me. When I cast, my eyes turn slightly purple. Like a periwinkle color,” Maxiana offered.

“That would explain why that’s your favorite color then,” Makai observed.

“Well then, lets see it!” Mackenzie was buzzing with anticipation now.

Maxiana couldn’t stop the smile that spread on her face. She held her hands out, spreading her fingers slightly, holding them about a foot apart, palms facing each other. “Ready?”

“Yes!” they all cried.

“Ok, don’t get too close. I don’t want to accidentally hurt you. I’ve never done magic this close to someone before.”

All they did was stare at her waiting for the magic to appear. A spark started in Maxiana’s right hand and passed onto the left. After a few seconds it continued going back and forth, more sparks adding themselves the longer she went. A brilliant periwinkle purple color filled the room and her eyes had changed color to match.

“Maker, Ana! That’s beautiful!” Mackenzie finally said.

“That’s not all I can do,” she replied. She winked at them as she began to work another spell.

 

###  **1 Firstfall 9:22 Dragon, the first day of Satinalia**

Brett sat outside the door of his chambers. Knees scrunched up into his face and hands covering the tears he wanted no one to see. He was a grim sight amongst all the decorations put in place for Satinalia. Maxiana, her sister, and brothers had come in from playing down at the beach when they found him.

“Papa! What’s wrong? Is Mama ok?” Maxiana shouted at him looking towards the chamber door. She didn’t mean to be so loud but Lucia’s pregnancy had been very hard on her mother and she was frightened.

“Children, it’s not looking so good. The baby… Maker,” he prayed silently for the words to come. “It seems… that the baby is also very sick. It is possible that neither of them will make it through this. Why don’t you all go in and see her? That may lift her spirits a bit.”

 _He means to say goodbye. Just in case she…_ Maxiana couldn’t finish the thought. The four children did as he asked and entered the chambers. Gasps, sighs, and tears rushed out of them at the sight of their mother. The thin linen gown she wore was soaked in the sweat that covered her entire body. Her eyes hollowed out, deep purple skin bagged underneath from lack of proper rest and her limbs thin and weak from so much time spent in her bed. She tried to muster a smile for them but even that seemed to be a difficult task in her weak state.

“Oh my little loves. I am so happy you came to visit me.” Her voice sounded like it could break at any moment. The force of it harsh and rough. Lucia held her arms out to them gesturing that they join her on the bed. “It is Satinalia is it not? What kind of gifts do you all wish to receive?”

As the children climbed carefully into the bed Maxiana hesitated in the act. “Mama, what I really want if for the two of you to live. What if I could help you? What if I could make you better?”

“Whatever are you talking about Ana?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t Ana… what if someone gets hurt? Papa certainly will not approve,” Mackenzie said in a worried tone. For her or their pregnant mother, maybe both. Maxiana was unsure. She was right about one thing though, her father hated mages and magic. It was a big risk.

“It could save Mama! It could save our baby sister! I have too Kenzie!”

Her mother looked at her with weary eyes but somewhere behind the exhaustion there was a splinter of hope. “Ana?” she inquired.

Maxiana finished her climb onto the bed. Slightly nervous about casting the spell she had practiced over and over again, never having put it to practical use. She lowered her hands down to caress her mothers belly. Just then she felt the baby move towards her touch and her face lit up with excitement. Her eyes moved up and met Lucia’s. Both of them certain that this had to be the right thing to do. It had been a sign from the Maker himself. _She knows doesn’t she?_ Maxiana thought.

Suddenly her hands started to glow green as she called on her magic to cast the simple healing spell she had taught herself. She pushed it in as deep as she could manage hoping that whatever was making the baby or her mother so ill would vanish away. The baby moved again, this time pushing _into_ Maxiana’s hand. Encouraging her to continue.

“Maker’s breath! I knew it! Ana? On your ninth birthday, your eyes flickered purple while we were on the beach that day…” Lucia said as she watched the periwinkle hue dance in her daughters eyes. “Is this why?” Maxiana nodded in response.

Lucia already looked significantly better. Color returning to her cheeks and the hollow of her eyes looked less bruised than before. The grey of her iris that was dulled brightening again. “Continue Ana, it’s working! Oh Maker, Thank You for my sweet girl! Thank You for this gift!”

Lucia managed to sit upright and was hugging her daughter with everything she had. Small sobs of comfort and relief coming from her as Maxiana worked. She concentrated even harder willing the magic to save her mother and baby sister in anyway it could.

“ _MAGE!_ ” They all jumped at the noise.

“Brett darling it’s all right! She’s nearly fixed me, and the baby. It’s a gift from the Maker!”

“Papa please don’t be frightened, she’s still our Ana!” Mackenzie pleaded.

“Don’t send her away from us! Don’t send her to the Circle!” The boys shouted.

“NO! You can’t be! Not my Ana… Maker, please. I can’t loose her too,” he prayed. He shook his head as if trying to remove the vision of his daughter as casting magic. “No, you can’t be a… _a mage_.” Brett was muttering as he fled the room.

Maxiana’s eyes filled with tears as did the rest of her family's. They crowded together holding one another tightly knowing what was coming next. Maxiana never stopped her magic willing as much of the healing powers she could conjure to go to her mother and baby sister before she’d be ripped away from them. Even if it drained her. It didn’t matter anymore whether she lived or not. Only that her mother and sister were safe.

They sat there for a time refusing to let one another go. They all weeped silently together not wanting to break the silence. Mutually understanding that it was better than shouting I love you’s and goodbyes before Maxiana would be taken from them. Her father appeared in the room and pulled her away dragging her by her arm.

“No, Brett! Please, stop it! You’re hurting her!” Lucia cried as she reached out. Hoping to pull her daughter back to her arms.

“She’s a _mage,_ Lucia! She has been lying to us! I have sent for the Templars. You will be taken to Ostwick Circle in the morning, _mage.”_

“Papa please! I’m still me! Please! I’m still your daughter, your Ana!” Her sobs started to come out of her uncontrollably. She faintly noticed that her mother and siblings were making similar cries as they trailed behind them as her father dragged her through the house with no remorse.

“You are _not_ my daughter _mage_!” Hatred poured from him every time he said the word.

They arrived at a small room that was nearly empty. Brett threw her down into it taking no measures of precaution. There was no bed or sofa to lay on. No food or water to sustain her. No windows, blankets, nothing. Only a few boxes that held insignificant items. He slammed the door shut and promptly locked it. “You will stay here until the Templars arrive in the morning.”

She heard the rest of her family outside the door a few moments later. Lucia sat down leaning against the door and her three other children crowded around her. Maxiana leaned against the door on the other side trying to be as close to them as she could. Sobs escaping them all. “We’ll stay here with you Ana,” she heard her sister say quietly under the door.

Somehow, she had managed to fall asleep with her face pressed into the door. She was woken by the freshened cries and pleas of her mother and siblings. Rising up from the door just before it swung open, her eyes grew wide as a large man, heavily armored walked into the room. Wincing as her swollen, puffy eyes squinted at the man as he entered.

“My name is Jorge Baker. You are Maxiana?” he inquired as he bent down onto one knee and opened a hand out for her to accept. “I am the Knight-Commander at Ostwick Circle. I promise, no harm will come to you while you are in my care. You must come with me so I can keep you safe.”

Knowing there was no point in fighting back, she took his outstretched hand followed him to the carriage that would take her to the Circle where she would live out the rest of her days, forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	4. Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maxiana was a rising star in the Ostwick Circle but it still didn't deter the thoughts that plagued her. Luckily a new friend helped her see her way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Depression/Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts

##  **Not Alone**

> _“I don’t want to cry when you go._  
>  _Stay a little longer you know._  
>  _You’re making me feel_  
>  _I’m not alone.”_  
>  _~’Not Alone’ by Sara Barielles_

###  **16 Bloomingtide 9:29 Dragon**

“I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly? You want me to go through my Harrowing early? Why in Thedas would you want that?”

“You’ve shown quite the promise to making your way to First Enchanter someday. You’re a very quick learner, you’re thorough, and accurate. You often master a spell within the first or second try. That’s not a gift to be taken lightly Maxiana! You’re a very powerful mage,” First Enchanter Esmirelda Halliwell said. She was an average woman but had a knack for warming your heart with her smile. Years of the Circle life showing on her face never went unnoticed as her skin crinkled even more when she did so. She had naturally red hair that went perfectly with her green eyes.

“I suppose I still don’t understand. What purpose does it serve for me to take my Harrowing early?” Maxiana challenged.

“As you know, we have several children who come to our Circle. Being a mage is not easy as it is but when you’re only three or four years old coming into your powers it is just that much more frightening. With rumors of the Blight looming around us, several of our more advanced mages have given their lives to the Grey Wardens. We find ourselves in need of more Junior Enchanters as promotions have been necessary. Given your nature for having such patience and your ability to learn and adapt, we think you’d be a perfect teacher for our younger apprentices. You will be apart of the next generation that runs this Circle, Maxiana. You are destined for great things. I just know it.”

Maxiana sat still and examined the woman sitting across from her. Perhaps this was her path, her destiny. Or perhaps they were desperate. Since she had come to the circle she had been desperately trying to figure out what the Maker had intended with her.

Suddenly the door to the office opened. Crossing the room in only a few strides was Knight-Commander Jorge Baker. He was aging rapidly due to his many years of service and the stress that caused. They had taken quite a toll on him even in Ostwick, known for being one of the most lenient circles. His hair had turned grey and was thinning. He looked at the First Enchanter with bright inviting blue eyes and as he walked across the room, she responded warmly to the gesture with a smirk of her own.

“Good afternoon, First Enchanter, Maxiana.” he said as he nodded to each of them. Turning his attention to the First Enchanter, “Esme, Have you spoken to her about her Harrowing?”

“We are discussing it now actually.”

“Brilliant! So Maxiana, you understand our need to keep order here? How important you are to the wellbeing of this Circle and its future?”

 _Keeping order?_ She hadn’t thought of it that way. They had been known for being gentle in their positions at Ostwick. Something that no doubt fueled the hatred she heard rumors of from mages at other circles. Before she could stop herself she was _hoping._ Hoping that this would be what made things better. That it would steal away the thoughts that haunted her at night. That the Maker had indeed finally shown her the path He had made for her when she came into her powers nearly nine years prior. She smiled slightly when she said, “All right when will I be taking it then?”

“Fantastic! You will take it in a few weeks time.” Esme said as she reached across her desk giving Maxiana a reassuring pat on her arm.

Maxiana nodded to the two “I will make my preparations then. Thank you.”

That night as Maxiana lay in bed as she went over the conversation for what must’ve been a hundred times. Trying to find anything she may have missed. All her confidence had quickly faded away as her thoughts turned against her. Surely they couldn’t be praising her. There must be, _must be_ , some other reason for this. What was the Maker playing at?

_They don’t actually care about you. They’re just doing their job. Trying to keep the Circle together. No one cares about you. They all stopped caring when you came into your powers and became a mage. Everything, everyone, gone forever. You’ll never get them back._

That wasn’t necessarily true. Her mother had made arrangements to send and receive letters from her and her siblings. It was better than not having them at all. Years in the Circle had made it harder to maintain the relationships she once had with them. Each letter she sent was a little shorter than the last, more vague and complacent.

Attempting to push the thoughts away, she tried to drift off to sleep. But memory after memory, thought after thought flashed in her mind forcing her to stay awake, plaguing her of her father’s last words to her, making her feel small and insignificant. Convincing herself that the only reason anyone put up with her was because they pitied her.

_“My dearest Ana, I cannot even believe you will be nine years of age tomorrow!”_

_“Maker Ana, you’ve been hiding this for two whole years?”_

_“What if I could help you?”_

_“You’re hurting her!”_

_“Papa, please!”_

_“You are not my daughter mage!”_

She was holding her head tightly with her hands threatening to squeeze it open with the amount of force she was using. Curled up on her bed, her body rocked as she tried to calm.

“Stop it, stop it, stop it. Just one night. Please.” She muttered to herself.“Breathe Maxiana, breathe.”

Over and over again all of the thoughts she couldn’t rid herself of, even after all her years in the Circle, played in her head no matter how hard she tried.

_Please, Maker, take me away. I cannot live this life any longer. I want to die. Please. Please._

A thought occurred to her as she was praying to the Maker for mercy, _her harrowing_. It was in a few weeks time. Many others had done it. She could too and no one would be any the wiser about it. With that, she carefully put the plan together and she finally drifted off to sleep.

 

###  **1 Justinian 9:29 Dragon**

The coming weeks went by quickly. She was ready.

On her little desk in her chambers were two letters, one addressed to her mother apologizing and another to her father letting him know he got exactly what he wanted. She knew that they would be found and sent out afterwards and there was no need to send them herself. Most mages did the same not knowing what would happen in that chamber once the doors were shut behind them. Some of them were intentional like her own while others did it as a mere precaution.

As she walked over to her bed she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She rarely looked at her reflection. Her deep set, almond shaped eyes had fully changed over to the periwinkle purple that matched her Storm magic abilities. She hated seeing them, disgust filling her as she studied the bright purple color they had become.Her rounded heart shaped face had her mother’s chin, it was strong and soft all at once. Her nose was small and round more like her fathers but the tip was more defined. Her forehead was a little too wide for her liking but she had giving in trying to hide it. She had her hair cut with a fringe once to cover it and it was absolutely awful. She could see the signs of womanhood were settling into her features and body. Curves showing themselves more and more as time passed on. When she caught the periwinkle staring back at her she moved away from the mirror fast and fell backwards onto her bed.

They weren’t meant to know what the harrowing entailed but nearly everyone knew it was a demon. She lay in her bed mulling over the possibilities of which one she may encounter. The best way to handle each one flooding her brain. Maybe it didn’t really matter. Any one of them could offer her anything with the end result being the same. _Possession._ Which would ultimately result in her death at the hands of the Templar stationed at her side. She was so lost in thought she hadn’t heard the door open.

“These look ominous.” Maxiana startled, sitting up quickly and looked to see a teenage girl standing there with the letters in her hand. She was pale, tall and slender, her eyes shining bright blue and her eyelashes seemed to stick out a mile long. She looked to be close to the same age as Maxiana herself. Her hair was so blonde it was nearly as white as snow and had just a slight wave to it. It was long enough to touch the small of her back. Her ears poking through indicating that she was an elf and her lack of marking’s telling her she wasn’t Dalish.

“Maker! You scared me half to death! Who are you? What are you doing in my chambers?” she exclaimed. She had her own chambers for quite some time. They bunked two of them per room and the last roommate, Aimee, was no longer with her as she had graduated into a full Circle mage.

Maxiana wondered briefly where the elf was from. She had two little buns made of hair sitting at the front top of her head. Her face was round and her features were soft. Her lips turned down slightly on the corners but there was a playfulness to them. If Maxiana had an opposite, surely it was this girl.

The girl scoffed, “You mean _our_ chambers? I just got here, well I was here before but now I’m back and I’ve been bunked with you it seems.” She walked over to Maxiana and held out her hand. Maxiana couldn’t help but be entranced by the girl. Something in the way she carried herself, the way she moved oozed confidence. “Jadzia Dax Feyhon at your service. Former apostate, Winter mage.”

“You were here before? Shouldn’t you be Tranquil with your capture?”

“Should be, maybe. I have a way with words and reading people. Convinced them that I was only eleven years old and didn’t know what I was actually doing. That an older mage that escaped with me tricked me into it. But it was actually me who arranged it,” she said with a wink. “It helps that it's my birthday today too. Come now, don’t be rude, I’m not going to hold my hand out all day now!” She said as she shook her hand dramatically at her.

Maxiana accepted her gesture, “Oh, sorry. I’m Maxiana, Storm mage. And Happy Birthday.”

“Gee thanks, don’t sound so excited about it,” the girl said sarcastically. “Just Maxiana, Storm mage then?”

Maxiana shook her head, “Well I suppose if you’re going to be so formal. Maxiana Athena Trevelyan, first born of Brett and Lucia Trevelyan, former apostate, Storm mage,” she looked at Jadzia as if to challenge her but Jadzia just smirked at her.

“Maker’s breath, a noble in my chambers! One who used to be an apostate no less! How scandalous! So how long did you get away with it?”

“Yes, well, since I am here then I’m sure you can figure out that I have been disowned by my father so don’t get too excited about it,” she said as she lay back in her bed. “I came into my powers at nine years of age. My father sent for the Templars on Satinalia when I was eleven when he discovered me.” Jadzia listened as she was taking her seat on the bed across the little room.

“Well X, whatever you say. Eleven seems to be a tricky year for the both of us,” she said. “Will you tell me why are you being so mysterious?”

“X?”

“Yeah that title is a mouthful. So I’ll just call you X instead.”

Maxiana looked at her in confusion but then said with a smile, “Shall I call you Z then?”

“Sounds great! Does this mean we’re friends? I’ve never had a true mage friend before. Only people I’ve tricked into doing things for me. My mum always said I should’ve been a rogue instead. Ha! And give up these abilities!” She let the frost take over her hands as she said it.

Try as she might, Maxiana couldn’t help but feel like they were in fact friends. In such a short period of time she had already talked of the downfall with her father, something she never spoke about. She had never met someone who was so confident with their mage abilities.

They openly shared their talents with each other over the next several hours. Talking about anything and everything it seemed. Something about Jadzia was just _easy_. They naturally fell into a rhythm with each other that Maxiana had never experienced before. Well, except maybe with her sister Mackenzie.

“Soooooo, you never did answer me earlier. You’re holding something back I can tell. Why are you being so mysterious?” Jadzia said playfully.

“Oh, my Harrowing. They’re having me do it early. A few of the higher ranked mages and Templars are going to the Grey Wardens so they want me to become a Junior Enchanter and teach the younger children.”

“Ah, so that’s what these letters are then? The aftermath of you not making it out of that chamber alive?”

Maxiana didn’t say anything, she just nodded as she laid there hoping that Jadzia would let it be.

“Maker! You can’t let the demon just take you! That’s suicide!”

Maxiana stayed silent. A little dumbfounded that Jadzia hatched open her plan so quickly. She looked over and noticed the letter to her mother open in the girls hand. She wasn’t sure why she didn’t care about Jadzia reading them. Maybe because she planned on dying anyway or maybe it was just the natural feeling of their relationship. She knew she could trust this girl, probably with her life.

“Oh X, this is just pitiful.”

“What?”

“This letter. Telling your father off. Do you really think killing yourself is the best way to get revenge on him? Did you ever think that deep down the reason he was so upset was because he knew he would lose you?”

She scoffed, “Everyone else in my family seemed content with keeping it a secret. Even my mother. So no, I don’t think that at all. He hates mages so he hates me.”

When Jadzia didn’t respond, Maxiana looked up at her in curiosity. She thought that Jadzia looked sad. They sat looking at one another for a few moments before Jadzia finally spoke. “Come with me, I want to show you something.”

“I’m sorry but no I think I’ll stay right here.”

“Don’t be so damn unreasonable! We don’t have long before curfew so lets go.” She was pulling on her arm trying to force her out of bed. Maxiana finally gave in and climbed out of her bed putting her boots on.

“Fine. Where are we going?”

With a smirk on her face, “You’ll see.”

They made their way down the halls, Jadzia pulling Maxiana behind her. After several minutes they finally arrived at their destination.

“These are the chambers used for the children. Why are we here?” Maxiana questioned.

“Can you trust me?” Jadzia asked.

“Yes,” she replied, surprised by her quick response and the truth that lay behind it.

Jadzia opened the door and the two walked in to see roughly thirty children playing amongst themselves. Many of them looked to be between the ages of six and ten. A few were much younger. One little boy quickly caught Maxiana’s attention and she went over to him.

“Hello there,” she said with a smile. “My name is Maxiana, what is your name?”

The boy was shy and didn’t look up when he quietly said, “Max.”

“Max! We have the same name!”

He smiled a little and looked up at her. “We do!”

“How old are you Max?”

He was suddenly shy again, averting her gaze when he held up three little fingers.

“Maker, you’re only three years of age?” she said losing her breath.

“His mother found him setting his bed on fire. Saying that a demon was underneath of it and if the bed was gone then there was no where for it to hide,” one of the older kids standing nearby said.

“Maker,” was all Maxiana could muster.

Most of the night was spent with the children by the two girls. They left before curfew hit with just enough time to make it back to their own chambers. Before laying down Maxiana hugged Jadzia tightly saying only, “Thank You” before she climbed into her bed. Finding a new purpose in the life she loathed so much just mere hours ago making her more grateful that she had a new roommate.

 

###  **9 Kingsway 9:34 Dragon**

_Cold. Empty. Hurt. Pain. Sadness. Anger. Loneliness._

_I deserve it. I’m just a mage. I deserve it._

_With everything I’ve done._

_Lying to my family. Thinking I could escape the circle. Intending to fail my Harrowing._

_Allowing myself to have feelings for another. Stupid. Stupid, Idiot._

_I’ve never been Silenced before. It burns. But I deserve it._

_I’m a terrible person. No one would miss me. Everyone is better off without me around._

_I can’t even be trusted to…_

_They’re right. I deserve this. I. deserve. it._

_I want to die. I deserve to die. Maker, please, please. I’m begging you._

_I can’t take this life any longer. I’ve never been so empty. So alone._

_End my misery. Please. Maker, please._

_I have suffered a terrible loss today. I can’t see Your hand in all of this anymore._

_I have lost my way and I’m terrified I’ll never find my way back after this day…_

_Maker, if you are merciful, you will take me to your side._

_End this pain. Please. I can’t._

 

###  **13 Drakonis 9:37 Dragon**

“Did you hear about Kirkwall?” Jadzia asked. “Crazy shit if you ask me.”

Maxiana _had_ heard about Kirkwall. As a Senior Enchanter she was not supposed to talk about it with the mages except to reassure everyone that the Chantry and Order had it under control. This of course was a complete lie. They sat together in her office, picking away at the snacks Jadzia brought for them every night. Being in Ostwick was easy for the most part and Jadzia had a way of getting the things she wanted.

“More like fucked up batshit crazy if you ask me.” Maxiana replied. She didn’t have to worry about sugar coating anything with Jadzia.

“Oh my, X! You said a swear, two swears! Such foul language from you Senior Enchanter! What will the First Enchanter say? I’m such a bad influence on you,” Jadzia responded as she nudged her on the shoulder with a look of triumph on her face. Maxiana’s look of disgust at the mention of the First Enchanter didn’t escape her.

“First Enchanter Damien probably _wishes_ I would use such foul language in his chambers,” she shivered at the thought. “I don’t even want to think about what he would say about a lot of the things I do or do not do.”

“Yeah, let’s not talk about that shall we? I have enough disgusting images thanks to the new Knight-Commander…” Jadzia said. They sat in silence for a few moments before deciding to leave it be. “I was hoping maybe there was a middle ground between what you were told and what the rumors were. In Kirkwall that is.”

“I’m afraid not,” she mumbled at the elf as she chewed her food.

“So what happened? Do you know?” Jadzia responded, her eyes wide as she waited for the gossip she was looking for.

“Only bits and pieces. An apostate mage blew up the Chantry. The Knight-Commander there, Meredith I think her name was, she was killed after invoking the Rite of Annulment. I heard that the Knight-Captain stood with the mages before the end. He supposedly has rallied whats left of the Templars and is trying to fix what he can. I’m sure there’s more to it than that but that’s all I know for sure. We’re one of the lesser scandalous Circles so I don’t think we’ll have much to worry about here.”

“Shit,” was all Jadzia said for a moment. “You think even with us getting all these new Templars lately that we’ll still be safe? And the First Enchanter, the way he looks at you some times…”

“I’m sorry, are you Senior Enchanter Maxiana Trevelyan?” Looking up, they saw a Templar standing in the doorway of Maxiana’s office.

“Yes, that would be me,” she said as she walked over to greet him.

 _He’s not wearing his armor. Maker, those arms look strong._ Maxiana shook her head of the thought. “My name is Jace Watson. I have been recently promoted to Knight-Lieutenant from the circle in Hasmal. I have been stationed by Knight-Commander Malcolm to look over your classes,” he said with a warm smile.

She couldn’t help but smile in return. Something about him was warm and inviting. He had a beard and mustache that would rival the few dwarves she had met in her life. His hair was short along the sides down to his nape but long and slicked back on top. He was only a few inches taller than she was but he was broad and muscular. Noticing her gazing at him he asked, “What is it that you teach?”

“Oh, I’m a Knight-Enchanter. But I also teach Storm abilities,” she replied tucking her hair back behind her ear and her teeth involuntarily biting down on her bottom lip.

“She’s not just any Knight-Enchanter pal,” Jadzia said as she joined them. She ignored the look Maxiana gave her and proceeded to say, “She uses dagger grips instead of a hilt. Her staff even breaks in two. She’s quite impressive _Knight-Lieutenant Jace who will be stationed here in this very room for hours and hours…”_

“All right. That’s quite enough Jadzia,” she demanded. Maxiana couldn’t help but notice a look of satisfaction and lust on Jace’s face at her friends ridiculous words.

He held himself high and confidently as he responded, “A Knight-Enchanter? We’ll have to spar sometime. I suppose that I will see you tomorrow then? It’s been a pleasure to meet you Senior Enchanter.”

“Same to you Knight-Lieutenant and please, call me Maxiana.”

“Only if you’ll call me Jace,” he said as he ran his finger lightly along her jaw. For a moment she was sure he was going to kiss her. His lips were slightly parted and his eyes darted from hers to her lips several times. He dropped his hand and he nodded to Jadzia with a wink as he turned to leave.

“MAKER’S BREATH X!” Jadzia squealed once the door was shut. “He was practically fucking you with his eyes and then he touched you on your jaw all ‘ _Call me Jace,’_ ” she tried to imitate his voice then made a sound of ecstasy as she fanned herself with her hand. “He obviously wants you! Please tell me you’re going after him? You haven’t been… you know… _with_ a man in a long time. Fucking the Knight-Captain in Starkhaven every few months isn’t cutting it. You’re all worked up, you need a good _release_.”

“He’s a Templar Z. That’s not exactly going to work out,” she replied.

“Oh and the Knight-Captain is what?” Jadzia shot back quickly.

“That’s different,” Maxiana dragged out. “You weren’t helping the situation any you know!” She knew she wasn’t fooling her friend. Especially because she couldn’t stop smiling no matter how hard she tried.

“Psh, listen up, my girl right here,” she grabbed her by her shoulders as she explained herself, “she needs a man in her life who isn’t a weeks travel away, if you know what I’m saying. He,” she pointed towards the spot where Jace had been standing moments ago, “obviously doesn’t mind taking on the responsibility. In fact I’m quite positive that he’d _beg_ you for it.”

Jadzia was being absolutely relentless and was practically bouncing as she said, “He’s basically going to be living in your office X! It’d be so easy to call him over until he pins you to the desk. Or maybe up against the wall. You think he’ll beg you to fuck him or get you to beg him to fuck you? I wonder if that mustache and beard tickles? You know, down there…”

“Oh sweet Maker…” she blushed.

_I bet it does… I bet it’s wonderful. We will be together an awful lot. Alone in this room a lot. I wonder how sturdy this desk is? Maker, this is not going to go well._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	5. Breaking The Habit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen gets a visit from the Right Hand of the Divine

##  **Breaking the Habit**

 

 

> _“I don’t know what’s worth fighting for_  
>  _Or why I have to scream._  
>  _But now I have some clarity_  
>  _To show you want I mean._  
>  _I don’t know how I got this way._  
>  _I know it’s not all right._  
>  _So I’m breaking the habit tonight.”_  
>  _~’Breaking the Habit’ by LINKIN PARK_

 

###  **5 August 9:40 Dragon, All Soul’s Day**

“The moment they entered the city of the Maker, their sin poisoned it. What had been golden turned black and violently they were flung from the world of dreams back into the waking world. Twisted and corrupted by their crime and their magic into monsters. They fled underground unable to bear the light of day. The _first darkspawn_.” Cullen’s voice sounded of anger at the final words of the prayer. Filled with emotions as he recited the prayer as he kneeled in front of the statue of Andraste in the small Chantry setup in the Gallows. The heavy door creaked open behind him and the heavy armored footsteps that entered stopped a couple of feet behind him.

“What is it that the Canticles of Threnodies brings says to you Knight-Commander?” said a Nevarran accented woman.

Eyes closed tightly, he lifted his head training his eyes on Andraste. Fist were clenched as he explained, “It is All Soul’s Day, I always say a prayer for my Ma and Pa. They died during the Fifth Blight.” As he walked towards the woman a realization hit him like a ton of bricks, “Maker, you’re the Right Hand of the Divine! What brings you to Kirkwall?”

“I am. But that does not matter right now. I am here to see _you_ Knight-Commander Cullen. Is there somewhere we can go to speak privately?” the woman inquired standing tall and confident.

Cullen nodded and gestured for her to follow him out into the hallway to walk to his office. It wasn’t far from the little sanctuary. He would wager he spent most of his time in one room or the other and had walked this path many times. “You seem to know me but I only know you as the Right Hand. Is there another title you prefer?”

“Of course, my apologies. I am Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast,” she replied as she took his hand into a firm hand shake.

“Its pleasure to meet you Cassandra,” he replied has they made way into his office. “I had heard the Right Hand was a Seeker. I hope you are not here to investigate. I’m afraid we are still recovering from the mage rebellion, even after three years time and I assure you I am doing my best to rebuild with what we have left,” he said as he took his seat behind his desk and watched Cassandra sit across from him.

“Fortunately that is not my purpose today. You know better than most the toll the Mage-Templar war has taken on Thedas. Divine Justinia seeks to stop this war as soon as possible. She has called for a Conclave at the Temple of Sacred Ashes in two weeks time. She intends to meet with leaders from both groups to try and resolve the issues we face,” she replied as she sat rigidly.

“Our Divine has a lot of work ahead of her then. I can tell you that just from my time here alone that it’s much easier said than done,” he examined with a light chuckle.

“Indeed. However, Justinia is choosing to take another course should the Conclave fail us,” she said as she set down a large tome onto Cullen’s desk. He recognized the symbol right away and could only muster out _‘Maker’_ before she continued. She seemed to acknowledge his recognition, “Yes, Knight-Commander, the writ of the Divine herself. She has declared the Inquisition to be reborn should the mages and templars insist in this war continuing.”

Cullen slid his hand over the top of the tome. Wonderment filling him to be so close to something the Divine had written in her own hand. Many knew of the original Inquisition but only those within the Order likely knew its full history. “That is what the Divine’s writ has claimed? What would this Inquisition be responsible for exactly?”

“It would be a peace keeping force. We would take on the responsibility of restoring order in this world gone mad. We could finally have peace among all people,” she said with passion.

“And what precisely does this have to do with me?” Cullen’s eyes hadn’t left the tome since the Seeker had placed it in front of him.

“The unfortunate reality is that even as a peace keeping force we will need an army. I have done my research. We feel that you would be the best fit as the Inquisition’s Commander, as the leader of our armed forces. Divine Justinia as well as her Left Hand, Sister Leliana also agree with this decision.”

His eyes shot up and met hers with confusion and pride. _Him? They wanted him? Why?_

“You have been through a great number of challenges and worked your way through them all when many others would have faltered. You are the sole survivor of Kinloch Hold. You fought against Knight-Commander Meredith when many others would have, _did_ , simply follow orders. You took the responsibility of rebuilding Kirkwall, with no orders to do so when you could have easily left it behind.”

He shook his head at her response to his thought, “Maker, did I say that aloud?”

“You did. But it is a valid question. One that makes me all the more sure that you are the right choice. Anyone who would take this position without questioning their ability to do it would be a fool,” she replied sounding impressed.

 _This is it._ He thought. _This is my chance to break free of the chains of this life. To be free of its hold. To set out to do good, like I wanted to when I joined all those years ago._

“If I accept this position, will I be able to bring willing men with me? I know of many templars who would happily join your cause,” he insisted.

“Of course. We will trust your judgement explicitly,” she reassured.

Names and faces began to filter through his mind. Many of the men right here in Kirkwall would be happy to flee the devastating place. Several others that he had met in his travels as Knight-Commander, as well as those who came to aid Kirkwall since the rebellion would be willing he was sure. Many of the men and women he thought of having had similar discussions with him over the years.

“There is one other thing should I accept,” Cullen said in a low voice. Hazel eyes watched him carefully as she waited for his response. Clearing his throat, he tried his best to sound confident in his request, “I wish to no longer take lyrium.”

A small gasp left her, brow raised in alarm, “That can be highly dangerous Cullen. It could kill you!”

“Yes, I know. I’ve been taking less and less of it each day. It binds me to a life I no longer wish to live. Gives me abilities I no longer wish to possess. As a Seeker, you can assess the dangers better than anyone. I will fall to your judgment should I become compromised in any way,” he offered.

Both of them held their positions stiffly, silence filled his office as he waited for her acceptance or refusal. Losing his confidence, he shifted in his chair and his hand began rubbing the back of his neck. The creak of the wood the only sound between them when she suddenly dropped her gaze, “All right, you have a deal, Commander” she said as she pushed her hand forward. His met in the middle and they shook binding the verbal contract they had just made.

“Before I leave, Cullen. There is one other thing I wanted to ask you,” she implied as she rose from her seat.

“Of course, what is it?”

“I have been looking for Garrett Hawke for some time. I do not know the nature of your relationship with him but as you stood with him during the rebellion I had hoped that you may know where I can find him,” her voice defeated as she asked. Her eyes were hopeful as they locked with his.

 _Hawke. What does she want with him?_ He thought. “I’m sorry, but I do not know where he is,” he said. It wasn’t entirely a lie. He knew where he might be but it was unlikely he was. The Champion had maintained contact with him over the years but his letters were untraceable. Someone as cunning as Garrett Hawke wouldn’t be caught so easily.

Cassandra seemed to accept his reply though he was sure she didn’t actually believe him. Giving a shallow nod she said, “Very well. We are using Haven has an asylum for now. Meet us there and send word to anyone you think would follow you.”

She walked out of his office and he promptly shut and locked the door behind her. Pulling the little box that held his lyrium kit out of his desk drawer, he set it down neatly in front of him. Four vials left.

_No, I don’t need it any longer. I am no longer a templar._

Placing the vials back into the box he put it back in its original place. Emotions ran rampant through his body as he realized what had just happened. He’d be _working for_ the Divine. Putting the world back in place and helping those in need, like he’d always wanted to do and he wouldn’t need to rely on the lyrium that had leashed him for years while he did it. Allowing himself a moment to collect his thoughts, his head fell into his hands as he realized that he would finally be free of the life he had wanted to leave behind for so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	6. Leader of the Inquisition's Armed Forces

###  **5 August 9:40 Dragon, All Soul’s Day**

> _Knight-Captain Rylen Ryker,_
> 
> _I have recently accepted a position outside of the Order in which I will be serving the Divine as the Commander of the Inquisition. She seeks to hold a Conclave in two weeks time from the date of this letter. Should it fail, the Inquisition will be born again._
> 
> _When you came to Kirkwall you followed under my command without question and provided me with much needed help in restoring what we could. Given your frankness, problem solving skills, and determination to put Kirkwall back in place I could think of no one better to help us put the world back in order. Your ability to put your faith aside to do what must be done is something I greatly admire in you as you know._
> 
> _I have been given the choice to find my own recruits to join the Inquisition with me. I wish to ask you to join me as my second in command._
> 
> _If you chose to accept Knight-Captain of the Inquisition, please meet with us in Haven as soon as you can. If you have men there in Starkhaven you believe will come with you, bring them. I will trust your judgment on the matter._
> 
> _This could be it Rylen, everything we talked about all those years ago. This could be our chance. Though we don’t maintain contact often, I consider you a friend. I’ll admit it may have clouded my judgment on this matter a bit but I meant everything I’ve said._
> 
> _I hope you will accept. I look forward to seeing you in Haven should you do so._
> 
> _Sincerely,_
> 
> _Commander Cullen Rutherford_
> 
> _Leader of the Inquisition’s Armed Forces_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	7. White People For Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Rape, Anxiety/Panic attack, implied drugging (or the magical equivalent)

##  **White People for Peace**

> _“Their prayers went unanswered and ignored._  
>  _God like the rest of the world just watched in silence._  
>  _There was purpose to be served._  
>  _There were fortunes to be earned._  
>  _Before a peace could be called_  
>  _To stop the fighting.”_  
>  _~’White People for Peace’ by Against Me!_

**5 August 9:40 Dragon, All Soul’s Day**

_Cold. Hard. Broken. It burns. It burns. I deserve it. I’m just a mage. I deserve it._

She had been praying in the Chantry when the Knight-Commander had retrieved her. Lying to her saying he needed her help in the courtyard. Her naked body scraped across the cold, hard ground of the courtyard over and over again. Back and forth. Back and forth. Surely her back was covered in scrapes and bruises by now. Her tears were never ending as she was assaulted by the very men who were meant to protect her.

“That’s right, take it you fucking mage bitch. This is what you get you little cunt!” the Knight-Commander’s deep voice seethed.

“Please, please,” her voice was so low it was almost a whisper. She could hear another voice muffled nearby. She looked up to find his face desperate for any form of comfort. But her eye was too swollen and she winced at the pain that shot through her face. When she found him he was just as bloody as she was and she had to refrain from looking allowing the concern to show on her face.

“Jace…” she whimpered. An armored hand slapped her in warning.

“I told you not to say his name. Don’t even fucking look at him. Look at me! You’re all mine now you mage bitch. You and that little elf friend of yours will keep my cock plenty satisfied won’t you sweetheart?”

Jace was standing nearby, bound and gagged by his fellow templars, pulling and pushing desperately on his restraints. Rendered powerless with a Silence performed by one of them, there was nothing she could do to say e herself or protect him. As soon as she felt her mana begin to restore she would be Silenced again.

After Knight-Commander Malcolm had finished having his way with her he said, “Would any of you boys like a turn? Jace doesn’t mind sharing now do you?”

Malcolm walked up and stood next to the bound man, “Do you boy?”

Jace stayed silent, refusing to submit. Trying as hard as he could to break free from the hold the other men had on him. It earned him a punch to his abdomen which was sore from the several other hits he had taken by now. “I said, you don’t mind sharing your mage whore with us do you boy?”

Jace refused to give in and stayed silent still. She had never seen him look for furious, had never seen his eyes grow so dark with hatred. Maxiana watched him and when he caught her gaze his eyes softened with sorrow and concern. Both of them desperate to break free of their temporary prisons so they could save the other apparent in their silent exchange.

“I suppose it don’t really matter do it? We’ve got ya both. I think it’s my turn with the mage whore yeah?” said one of the other templars. Beginning to remove his armor and clothing, he stopped when there was a loud noise from inside the building. They all turned towards the vibrating sound when the door leading to the main hall burst open revealing mages and templars alike attacking one another. The battle began moving towards the group of defilers and their victims.

“Shit! Leave them. This lot will take care of them,” Knight-Commander Malcolm ordered.

Jace fell to the ground as he was released and crawled over to Maxiana. She pulled the gag from his mouth and pulled him down to her. Their lips were desperate and needy knowing that whatever was happening could easily tear them apart. They were both in a weakened state and knew that surviving whatever had started to pour into the courtyard would be a difficult task.

“Maxiana, I love you. I am so sorry.” Jace said as he broke their kiss. Holding onto her face tightly as if letting go would cause her to vanish.

“It’s not your fault. You are a good man. These are bad people. Do not feel guilty,” she replied.

Jace quickly pulled her up into his arms intending on taking her to safety.

“We should find Jadzia and check on the children,” Maxiana said. It wasn’t a suggestion but a command.

Jace nodded in agreement, “We will. We can search for her while we help the kids. We could run and be rid of this place then. We can be together forever my darling,” he kissed her deeply as if sealing the promise he had just made. “First we need to find clothes and weapons.”

They managed to evade every fight that could have prevented their task. When they made it to her chambers she locked the door behind them. Here mana still depleted from the consistent waves of Silence, she pulled what she could, using it to perform the wards she had used so many times before. “I need lyrium,” she mentioned to Jace. “They Silenced me so many times I need to rebuild my mana as fast as I can.”

Running to her desk, he found the little vials of glowing blue liquid there in the top drawer on the right hand side. He popped two open downing one himself and quickly pouring the other into her mouth as she cast, watching the spell strengthen as he did. Finding a spare change of clothes he had stashed in her chambers, he dressed quickly. He began finding all the things she would need as he waited for her to put on her armor. Clothes, her staff, some of her personals he knew she would want to keep, a few tomes, and a small portrait of her with her family. Her father had paid quite a large sum to have the image made and her mother paid even more to have it copied for her in secret.

By the time he had gathered all the items she had already begun healing herself at a rapid pace. “Just enough to make us mobile,” she said with a small smile, her gloved hand reaching up to his face to heal the wounds there.

She finished the last of the healing magic they needed in order to escape. Within a blink she was pushed into the wall by Jace. His hands were everywhere and his mouth was insistent. His tongue was begging for entry but she broke their contact stating, “Jace, my darling, we have to go. Now is not the time.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. Something about watching you cast…” he snickered. He’d always had a fascination with the way she cast her magic. He had a fascination about a lot of things she did. It made her uneasy sometimes. “I’m just relieved that we got away from the Knight-Commander and his lackeys. I’m still trying to convince myself that you’re here and we’re alive. I thought for sure they were going to kill us both.”

“I did too. Luckily they didn’t. So let’s get out of here before they find us.”

The pair made their way towards the children’s chambers. Fighting off any who would oppose them easily. They had managed to find time to spar many times over the last couple of years. As a Knight-Enchanter it was much easier to get away with sparring against Templars. Knowing each other in battle making it all the more easier for them to work together. They reached their destination only to find the chambers had been emptied.

“I’m not sure if this is good or bad,” Jace said.

“Me either. Let’s hope it’s good. Maybe one of the other Senior Enchanters got them out and into safety?” Even as she said it she didn’t believe it. Something was telling her this was most definitely not good.

“We should get your phylactery,” Jace insisted.

“Its too dangerous! We have to find Jadzia and get out of here!” she countered.

Jace set his jaw, anger evident in his gaze, “If we don’t get your phylactery first they’ll find us before we have time to even escape.”

“Why would stye bother? I am of no importance and there will be apostates everywhere!” she shouted back as the lightning danced on her finger tips.

“Are you joking?” Jace said incredulously, his hands thrown up in mock defeat. “Maxiana you’re a powerful spell writer, a Senior Enchanter _and_ a Knight-Enchanter. Not too mention you are of noble birth. You’re the first one they’ll come looking for!”

“My father made it perfectly clear that I am no longer a noble!” she reminded. She had never told Jace the whole truth. Being denounced as a noble when you turned out to be a mage wasn’t uncommon.

Watching her for a moment, Jace stated firmly, “Irregardless, we have to get your phylactery. Otherwise they will find us within days.”

“It won’t be here! I’m a full circle mage and a Senior Enchanter. It surely has been moved by now,” she argued back.

“The circle here isn’t so wicked as the others until recently. It’s known for being one of the safest and most forgiving. I’d imagine they wouldn’t be so worried about the mages here that they couldn’t keep them close by. This Circle is also quite large as it has its own wing for the templars. What if we don’t check only to find out that it is here?”

He had a point. Up until recently when Knight-Commander Malcolm arrived just before the Mage Rebellion began in Kirkwall there had very rarely been an issue at Ostwick. It had only recently started getting worse with the mages voting for freedom. Some part of her knew Jace was very likely right but the risk was incredibly great. Jadzia had been no where in sight during their attempt. Going back would give her the opportunity to look one more time.

“All right. Let’s go find it. If we could find Jadzia’s too that would be even better. We can use it to find her and get her out too.”

Jace nodded and grabbed her hand pulling her back the way they had come. He directed her until they came to a large door that Maxiana had passed several times during her life in the Circle but had never been through.

“This leads to the templar’s wing. I’m betting the phylactery chamber is in here somewhere.”

“Maybe it’d be safer for me to stay here.”

“No. I won’t leave you here alone. Not after what we just went through. Besides, the Knight-Commander has it out for me so I’m just as much a target as you are.”

Jace performed a templar ritual she had never seen before on the door and it promptly opened. They went through every hallway, every corridor they came across looking for the hidden room. For the second time that night they were surprised by how empty it was. They both knew that as much as they didn’t want a fight, it was not a good sign that this part of the building seemed to be evacuated too.

They turned down another hallway for what felt like the hundredth time when they were face to face with First Enchanter Damien and a small group of Templars. Damien remained unmoved from his position as the Templars charged at the couple.

Outnumbered and already exhausted they fought with everything they had. When clanking sounds of metal diminished away, Maxiana became very aware that Jace had been chased around a corner by three of the men. Before she could go to his aid the last remaining templar came charging at her full force. His shield up and ready to knock her down. Before he reached her, he fell to the ground.

Maxiana looked up to see First Enchanter Damien standing there with his hands up.

Her eyes wide as she realized what he had done, “What did you do?” she said in horror and felt the magic of another suddenly hit her. “Why did you…” was all she was able to say before everything went dark.

### 

Maxiana woke some time in the early morning before sunrise. Beams of pinkish-orange light filtered through the windows, illuminating the room just enough for her to see. She felt strangely out of place but wasn’t sure why until she started to scan the room. _I’m in First Enchanter Damien’s chambers. What in Thedas am I doing here?_ She thought as groan left her while she tried to sit up. Panic suddenly overrunning her, she shot out of bed forcibly.

“Maker, that hurts.” She pulled her tunic up slightly to find the source of pain she felt. There were bruises and small cuts all along her sides, her abdomen, and legs, and her throat was sore. She found a mirror and noticed the marks of being choked there on her neck. Flashes of the night before filled her vision. They were all the marks left over that she hadn’t had time to heal or couldn’t be healed with magic.An instinct to flee pushed her to move towards the chamber door but before she could make her way out she was face to face with the First Enchanter.

“Hey, you shouldn’t be out of bed. You need to rest.” Damien said as he came around the corner. “I’ve grabbed some creams and herbs for tea from our healers to help you get more comfortable.”

Maxiana lost herself in thought trying to recall everything that had happened, but could only remember bits and pieces. _Sounds of clinking metal, spells being cast, screaming and crying filling her ears. There was a templar, he was running towards her but he was cast down. She was wearing her armor before… where was it?_

“Did you stop that templar?” she asked in a shaky voice. Damien only nodded to her as he directed her to the bed and sat next to her.

“Yes, I was so scared for you Maxi. May I help you with this?” he said has he held one of the creams up to catch her attention. She grimaced at his nickname for her but she was going to need help. She nodded at him in response and moved the tunic she wore out of the way so he could reach the affected areas.

“Is that Templar… is he… did you?”

“Yes. I had to protect you Maxi,” his voice was soft and gentle but held no remorse.

His hands were soft she noticed. He wasn’t much older than she, maybe five or six years difference. He was gentle as he applied the cream to her bruises. One in particular, the one that caused her to cry out in pain moments ago, was intensely relieved by the cream and she couldn’t help but let out a little moan.

A flicker of a distant memory made her suddenly hyperaware of how close they were to each other. They had been like this before when they were much younger and he was still a Senior Enchanter and she was still a Junior. His hands were applying cream to her ribs dangerously close to her breasts. She looked up to meet his gaze which locked with hers. He stared intently at her and his lips parted slightly. He wasn’t a terrible looking man and he was always kind to her. She just never felt a connection to him in anyway even on that night so many years ago. His eyes were a deep grey blue, his hair dark and messy. His beard was turning white and kept short.

Maxiana covered herself up quickly and got up from the bed. “Thank you Damien but I think I’ll just go to the healers.”

“You don’t have too. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Please, stay here. I insist. You need to rest,” he said as he placed his hand under her jaw to guide her eyes up to his.

“Why am I here?” _And what happened to Jace?_ She finished in her head not wanting to give too much information to him. She didn’t know if he had seen who was with her. He’d question her asking for a Templar and didn’t want to chance it.

“I…” he began. She could see him choosing his words before he spoke them, “When you fainted all I could think about was getting you here. Getting you to safety.”

He took a step towards her and she instinctively took a step back. She was trying to remember what had happened and his words felt empty. Ostwick Circle had surely fallen given the amount of fighting she remembers. How had she ended up with Damien without Jace? He was fighting right along side her.

She shook her head, _something is definitely, definitely not right here._

“Thank you Damien but I’m just going to go find Jadzia. I will visit the healers while I’m looking around,” she said hoping that would reassure him enough.

Damien reached out and grabbed her arm tightly, “No, Maxi.” Maker, she hated it when he called her Maxi. Her look certainly tried to tell him so. “She’s not here. Jadzia fled with the other mages during the fighting. She left you here.”

“Let go of me! You’re lying! Let go I said!” she yelled out as she tried pulled her arm free.

“Knight-Lieutenant Jace is also gone if you must know,” his face looked smug and she wanted to strike him down with all the magic she could muster. “Oh yes, I knew about your _relationship_ with Mr. Watson. Most of us did. You didn’t hide it nearly as well as you thought. He will pay for his sins just as you did. Now they are gone and we can pick up where we left off.”

Before she could protest his lips crashed down on hers. He was trying to force his tongue into her mouth but she was pulling away as hard as she could. When she felt it slide in-between her teeth she bit down hard. He let go of her in his surprise and she could taste the metallic of blood in her mouth.

She pushed her way through his chamber door and ran as quickly as her legs would allow until she reached her own chambers. Pushing the door shut, locking it, and putting up any and every ward she could imagine.

Cradling herself up into the farthest corner of her room on her bed and never losing eye contact with the door. She sat and waited, listening for what was surely to come.

 _Has all of Thedas gone completely mad?_ She was trying hard to catch her breath as the panic washed over her. _No. No. No. They wouldn’t leave me here. I know they wouldn’t. Maker, what have I done this time? What did I do to deserve this? Is it because I was with Jace? Or because we tried to run? Is it because I’m a mage? It is isn’t it? I’m a mage. I deserve this. Magic exists to serve man. Is that your will for me? To serve man forever? To allow them to use me when they give into their temptations? To waste away in this Circle giving my life unwillingly to the men who hate me and what I am? I am such an idiot for thinking otherwise. I deserve this._

Her thoughts were interrupted by a banging on her door and a muffled sounding Damien. Focusing instead on her dark thoughts, she ignore his attempts to get her to allow him in. Fear invaded her, causing her pain to intensify st the thought that no one was coming to her aid. The Circle had fallen. Jadzia and Jace were gone. Maker only knew how many mages and templars were left in Ostwick, let alone how many of them would be friendly towards her.

When reinforcements came moments later she was still sitting in the far corner. Her hands on her head squeezing it tightly, knees bent up to her face, her body rocking back and forth as she chanted for everything to _stop_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	8. We'll See You There

###  **12 August 9:40 Dragon**

> _Commander Cullen,_
> 
> _Ostwick Circle has fallen. Since I was on my way to port there to travel to Haven I decided to stop and investigate. There isn’t much left to report on honestly. Whatever happened here was premeditated. It’s unclear whether it was the templars or the mages. It’s entirely possible it was both. We are helping as many as we can before we make way._
> 
> _We found First Enchanter Damien Caldwell trying desperately to get through the chamber door of one of the Senior Enchanters chambers. Luckily, it was someone I had met before and she recognized my voice. She allowed me to lower her wards so that we could give her aid once he was removed._
> 
> _Her name is Maxiana Trevelyan. She visited Starkhaven many times to teach and was always polite and respectful. By looking at her wounds, whoever got ahold of her was not expecting her to survive. She’s been asking for a Jadzia Feyhon and a Jace Watson. Perhaps the Inquisition has a way to help her find them? They’re not accounted for here and likely escaped somehow. Feyhon is a city elf and mage and Watson is a templar._
> 
> _We have apprehended the First Enchanter as our main suspect for now. He certainly seemed interested in getting to Maxiana and she definitely was trying to keep him out. You should’ve heard him mumbling at her like a fool. I had to restrain from laughing it was so ridiculous! His tongue was completely swollen and he choked on it a few times. She apparently had bitten down on it pretty good when he tried to kiss her. He’s lucky that’s all she managed. Tough one she is. She’s a damn powerful mage and a specially trained Knight-Enchanter no less. Wait til you see this girl in battle, Cullen._
> 
> _First Enchanter Beckett Sanders from Starkhaven had followed me to join the Inquisition. He has taken her ahead to meet at the Conclave. He thinks it’d be best for her to speak to the Divine about what happened here. Without any delays they should arrive there just in time._
> 
> _Many of the templars and mages left here are interested in following us to Haven. I hope I am not out of line for allowing them to do so. We need all the help we can get I wager?_
> 
> _We will see you there,_  
>  _Knight-Captain Rylen Ryker_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick something, I hadn't even noticed when I picked Rylen's last name that it is another reference to Star Trek. Actually kinda funny if you think about it, in TNG Picard is the Captain and Riker is the Commander. Where as in this story, Ryker is the Captain and not the Commander. My brain is weird sometimes 🤷🏻
> 
> Thank you for reading! 💜


	9. Radioactive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maxiana finds herself in the fade, physically

##  **Radioactive**

> _“I’m waking up to ash and dust._  
>  _I wipe my brow when I sweat my rust._  
>  _I’m breathing in the chemicals._  
>  _I’m breaking in, I’m shaping up,_  
>  _Then checking out of the prison bus._  
>  _This is it, the Apocalypse.”_  
>  _~'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons_

_Green. Everywhere._

_Maker, where am I?_

_Beckett was taking me to the Conclave but…_

_What was that?_

_Shit. Demons._

_I’m in the fade. Wake up, Maxiana, wake up!_

Looking around it became clear that her trip to the fade this time was not just in a dream.

“How the fuck did I get into the fade physically?”

“The demons!”

The voice startled her but it had the appropriate affect. She looked to see the hoard of spiders running at her, turning towards the voice she saw a golden figure standing next to an opening in the opposite direction. It was reaching out for her and she ran full speed towards it, somehow understanding that it could be trusted.

As she got closer she realized it was a woman but could not tell who it was.

“Go!” the golden figured shouted.

Maxiana reached back for the woman but it was too late.

She jumped through the opening and felt herself fall several feet down onto the hard ground.

The last thing she saw was the shuffling of boots and swords around her. Someone shouting ‘Commander, over here’ close by and the heavy footsteps that followed.

“Maker have mercy and watch over us all,” the deep voice replied.

She barely had time to process the man's words before everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	10. It's Been Too Long Old Friend

###  **18 August 9:40 Dragon**

> _King Alistair Theirin,_
> 
> _How are you old friend? Did you ever imagine that this is where we would end up when we were just boys all those years ago? You a king and I a leader of an army of a ‘heretical movement’. Maker, life has a strange way of playing out._
> 
> _With the Conclave destroyed and Divine Justinia dead we do not know what we will soon face. I am hoping that we can rely on Fereldan for any assistance we may need in the coming months while we work through this. Who would be so deadly to destroy and kill so much and so many?_
> 
> _We have one suspect in custody. She fell out of the Fade right before my eyes Alistair. She is a mage and according to my Knight-Captain, Rylen who has met her before, she’s a powerful one. Apparently she’s also a special sort of Knight-Enchanter. Something still doesn’t add up though. She came from Ostwick and she’s from noble birth. My gut is telling me she is innocent. I find myself worrying about what all these bureaucrats will do to her. Many are calling for her to pay for the Divine’s death already. You know better than many what being a mage of status means._
> 
> _How is Galadriel? Have you heard from her? I’d be lying if I didn’t say there is a chance we may need the both of you before this is over. We meant to seek peace and order and now there’s a giant hole ripped into the sky. Maker only knows what that will mean in the days to come._
> 
> _I heard that you’ve offered shelter for the rebel mages. Sounds like something Gal would have happily done herself. Is that why you did it? For her? Alistair, I don’t know how you two do it._
> 
> _It has been too long old friend, we must meet and discuss everything when you are able. The sooner, the better. I have to admit I would rather like to see you after all these years. We have so much to catch up on. Even outside of the Inquisition, the Conclave, and a giant hole in the sky._
> 
> _I’m sure I could add some frivolity to this letter in honor of your kingliness but I rather think you would prefer I keep it simple._
> 
> _Regards,_  
>  _Commander Cullen Rutherford_  
>  _Leader of the Inquisition’s Armed Forces_
> 
> _P.S. When you hear from Gal, ask her to send word to Leliana. She has taken the Divine’s death terribly. She’s trying her best to stay professional but I know she is grieving heavily underneath. She could use some support from a friend._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	11. Can't Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Solas make a plan to wake up the mysterious woman who fell from the Breach.

##  **Can’t Say**

> _“Now I’m thinking of you._  
>  _When I can’t explain the feeling_  
>  _But I know that its real when I hold you._  
>  _When I saw you, you know, I knew,_  
>  _I knew I couldn’t live without,_  
>  _Without you ever in my life.”_  
>  _~’Can’t Say’ by BBMak_

###  **24 August 9:40 Dragon**

Cullen stood next to the apostate mage as he examined the prisoner.

“You’re sure she came _from_ the Fade?” the mage questioned.

“Are you implying that I’m lying to you? Of course she did! I saw her fall from that blighted thing myself!” he shouted, losing his patience.

The woman still hadn’t woken after nearly seven days. They had been debating with the others since they had brought her from the Temple down to the Chantry dungeon. Solas had insisted that they were running out of time, each time more urgently than the last.

As she lay on the dungeon floor, he watched the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed deeply. A grimace covered her face whenever the magic imprinted on her hand would come to life but as the magic faded and her features settled back into a peaceful slumber, he found himself admiring her. They had yet to identify her but her golden tan skin suggested she wasn’t of Fereldan or Orlais. Dark wavy hair framed her face perfectly while it’s length shorted behind her shoulders exposing her neck. With her arms cuffed, she had taken to sleeping on her side. Curves along her body were outlined by the dim light from the torches lit behind her. It made him uneasy.

_Maker’s breath, what is wrong with me?_ He thought as his hand found the back of his neck as it always did when he felt uncomfortable.It had been a long time since he had been with a woman but the thoughts that crept into his mind as he watched her were unworthy. She was a prisoner of the Inquisition. He didn’t even know her name!

Though they had yet to determine who she was, they had figured out that she was indeed a mage as he had suspected. He had seen an explosion similar to the one at the Temple cause by an apostate mage in Kirkwall and had wondered if it were possible the responsible party was also a mage. Even with the minute lingerings of lyrium left in his blood, he could sense her signature caused by her magic. It hit him in a way he hadn’t felt in many years leading him to believe that whoever she was, she was very powerful. But powerful enough to cause such a huge explosion? He just couldn’t be sure. Not without talking to her first.

“No, I am simply trying to understand what happened to her. Being sure of her physical visit to the Fade is important. This mark likely gives her a unique connection to it as it looks and feels similar to the magic coming from the Breach. I am sorry if I have offended you Commander.”

Cullen sighed. His withdraw was beginning to worsen as he felt the lyrium starting to leave his system and he was on edge more than ever these days. “It’s all right, Solas. Will she be ok? Will she ever wake?”

Solas contemplated his answer for a second while watching Cullen closely, “I can’t be sure. This mark, it will slowly consume her. In order to ensure her ultimate survival she must wake up. As to whether she will or not still remains a question. If I can find her in the Fade I may be able to wake her up from the other side or encourage her to do so. With your permission, of course.”

“Maker’s breath,” Cullen said. He did not like the idea of trusting an apostate mage with such a monumental task but saw no other option. In honesty he almost didn’t want her to wake. Many were blaming her for the death of the Divine and the Breach that now loomed above them. They will surely tear her apart if given the chance. At least this way she was protected. Something in him fueled his desire to keep her locked away and hidden from anything that may harm her.

Solas placed his hand lightly on Cullen’s shoulder, “I too believe her innocent. The power needed to create such an explosion, to tear a hole through the Veil, she is simply not capable of obtaining it. Allow me this Commander. If she is the key to closing the Breach, we need her to wake before the mark destroys her.”

Solas was right and he knew there was no other choice. After a moment he finally said, “Do what you must. I will remain here. Be warned Solas, there are Templars within this room should you try anything that may harm her.”

“Commander I assure you that I am not dangerous to her or any other person here,” Solas said with a smirk that made Cullen a bit suspicious. Sometimes it felt as though the mage could see right through you and he had plenty of skeletons in his closet he wanted to remain hidden.

He watched as the elf set himself up nearby to fall asleep and find her in the Fade. As the elf closed his eyes and drifted off he began watching the woman. She was peaceful in her slumber and only moved when the mark expanded. Each time the mark sprung to life and her face would scrunch up in pain it pulled at his heart a little.

_What in the Maker’s name is wrong with me?_ He thought to himself. Surely he couldn’t be developing _feelings_ for this woman. Yet here he was, watching her intently wishing he could ease her pain. Ready to strike any blow necessary to the elf should he try to harm her. Even if it meant drawing on every last drop of lyrium he had left. He didn’t even have proof, just a feeling, and he was sure he would do whatever it took to protect her.

Solas had been asleep for nearly an hour when Cullen started to get restless. Years of Templar training and Harrowings making him uneasy with the potential threat that could arrive. The mark suddenly burned much bolder and stronger than it had previously and she let out a groan in discomfort. He was at her side within seconds much to the surprise of the guards stationed in the small prison with them.

Placing his hand lightly on her unaffected hand, surprise filled him when she gripped him tightly. She was mumbling something that he was having a hard time making out.

“Hmmm… have to…” she whispered “have to… find…”

Cullen stared at her in wonder. This is the most active she had been since she fell from the Fade and he carried her here. His thumb began moving absentmindedly in circles on her hand. A warmth in the pit of his stomach grew as she loosened her grip and began relaxing in response to his ministrations.

_Andraste preserve me. This woman is my prisoner. Whether I believe her to be innocent or not._ He reminded himself. Again.

His thoughts were interrupted by a moan of, no that couldn’t be. She almost sounded like…

“Mmm…” she let out once more. It was deep and filled with comfort.

Cullen began to sweat and his face was surely red from the heat he felt there. _Stop it you fool. She doesn’t even know who you are. She must be thinking of someone else._ He thought.

She mumbled some more before finally, he made out a name, “Jace”.

Taken aback by the slight tinge of jealousy he felt he quickly let go of her. Intending to leave the room when suddenly her eyes opened slightly and she brushed against his hand as she tugged a bit on her restraints. As she pushed herself up he noticed Solas go to move pass him signaling for him to follow.

Cullen turned towards the Templar stationed at the door and said, “I’ll tell Lady Cassandra and Sister Leliana she is awake when I reach the forward camp. Be careful, she is a mage and if she could’ve caused all this a powerful one.”

He was just about to shut the door behind him when he recognized the unnerving feeling of being watched. He glanced over his shoulder and nearly regretted the sight he caught.

Her periwinkle purple eyes met his and he thought he might melt under her gaze. He had been watching her so closely for the last seven days but had yet to see her eyes. Now seeing them for the first time he nearly turned around to look into them deeper but thought better of it, breaking their shared stare and shutting the door behind him. Solas joined him as he made is way to head out of the Chantry and through Haven to the forward camp.

“Commander, she is looking for someone. Two people actually. That is why she was in the Fade for so long. It seems she’s very intelligent. She figured out very quickly that mark gives her abilities to access the Fade in ways she was unable to before. She was forcing herself to stay asleep hoping she’d find these missing people. A mage who is a friend of hers, Jadzia Feyhon and a Templar, Jace Watson.”

Cullen stopped dead in his tracks and looked at Solas with searching eyes. _I’ve heard those names before. Where in Thedas did I hear them?_ He thought.

His memory jogged and he broke into a fast pace towards his tent where his desk lived just outside Haven’s gates.

“Commander?” Solas questioned.

“I think I know who she is Solas. Those names. I’ve heard them before.”

He dug through the pile of old letters and correspondence until he came across the parchment he was looking for.

“Knight-Captain Rylen knows this woman. He met her in the Circle,” he said as he handed over the letter to the mage.

“She’s a noble?” Solas said in bewilderment as he looked up to meet Cullen’s eyes.

“Yes. A mage from Ostwick. Easily the safest, most _obeying_ Circle. She has to be innocent. What reason could she possibly have to do such a thing?”

“I agree. This blast was premeditated to say the least. Even given the recent events that likely happened to her according to your Knight-Captain she would not have had time to pull something of this magnitude together. Would Rylen vouch for her?”

“I am certain of it. We have to take this to Leliana and Cassandra,” Cullen suggested. Solas nodded in agreement and the two of them began making their way towards the forward camp.

Going along the winding mountain pass they had to stop several times to fight off the demons that were falling from the Breach. Cullen still wasn’t used to fighting along side a mage but he couldn’t help but be relieved that he was not alone as the amount of demons they had to thwart was increasing rapidly and his withdrawal was starting to take its toll on his body.They came up a staircase and over a hill when they saw a fade rift laying in front of them, running at it seeing the soldiers being overwhelmed.

“It’s about damn time someone else showed up!” a familiar voice shouted.

“Varric,” Cullen said when all the demons had been taken care of.

“Curly,” the dwarf replied. “For someone whose helping you with this mess you don’t seem all that happy to see me.”

“Just trying to decipher why you’re really here,” Cullen replied.

“Seems the Seeker had some questions for me about our friend Hawke, Curly,” Varric said with a smirk.

Cullen eyebrows raised at Varric’s words, “She asked me about him as well when she came to Kirkwall.”

“You didn’t tell her anything did you? Maker’s breath, he’s had enough happen to him. He doesn’t need this shit on top of it,” the dwarf pleaded.

“I didn’t have anything to tell. I haven’t heard from him in quite some time anyhow,” he answered.

Varric seemed to accept Cullen’s response. The three men stood looking around at the destruction that laid before them when the fade rift began to spring back to life.

“Well, shit,” Varric said. “More demons incoming.”

“Can the two of you manage here with the soldiers? I need to get this to the forward camp.”

Solas nodded while Varric prepared his crossbow for battle.

“Yes, Commander. Send more soldiers if you can,” Solas confirmed.

Cullen turned from them taking out a demon that appeared in front of him as he rounded the corner. As he got close to the forward camp there was another fade rift. _Maker’s breath, are we ever going to be rid of these damn rifts?_ He thought. Cassandra was there fighting with the soldiers and he joined along side them to finish off the ones that lurked there.

When the battle finished he called for the Seeker to follow him onto the bridge. “Commander if I didn’t know any better I would say you’re smiling!” Leliana said as they approached her.

Cullen’s face turned red at her words. He knew there was no fooling her but decided to try and save his pride as best he could, “Something has happened. The prisoner is awake thanks to Solas.” Both woman looked at him in surprise. He held the letter up for them to examine while he continued, “Solas says she was forcing herself to stay asleep so she could stay in the Fade to find Jadzia Feyhon and Jace Watson. A couple of weeks ago I received correspondence from Rylen as he was heading out of Ostwick to meet us here. I believe our prisoner is Maxiana Trevelyan.”

Cassandra seemed pleased with what he had found but Leliana eyed him carefully.

“She’s a noble. A Senior Enchanter _and_ a Knight-Enchanter no less,” Cassandra examined. “We should go and question her Sister Leliana.”

“That we should. Keep your emotions in check Cassandra, we need her. Even if she is guilty, which I do not believe is so, she can seal the Breach according to Solas.”

Cassandra nodded and headed back towards the gate that lead to Haven. Leliana paused slightly before passing Cullen, “I will protect her. Your smile, the way you say her name. I have known you a very long time friend, it is unusual for you to be so… enthusiastic shall we say? Cullen, be careful. We do not know anything about her other than this,” she held up the letter. “There is a rift farther up the pass. Your men could use you there.”

“Of course,” Cullen said as they began walking in opposite directions.

_Maker, how is it that she sees through me so easily…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	12. Black Velvet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maxiana wakes up in the Chantry dungeon after falling from the Breach.

##  **Black Velvet**

> _“Always wanting more_  
>  _He’ll leave you longing for_  
>  _Black velvet and that little boy smile._  
>  _Black velvet and that slow southern style._  
>  _A new religion that’ll bring it all to your knees._  
>  _Black Velvet if you please.”_  
>  _~’Black Velvet’ by Alannah Myles_

###  **24 August 9:40 Dragon**

_Cold. Damp. Dark. Why do I keep ending up in these situations?_ She thought as she woke. Warmth lingered in her right hand as if someone had been holding it but as far as she could tell, there was no one near her. Her arms had been restrained and she was wearing some awful form of armor. It was itchy and uncomfortable whatever it was. There were four men standing guard around her, each of their swords drawn due to her consciousness.

“I’ll tell Lady Cassandra and Sister Leliana she is awake when I reach the forward camp. Be careful, she is a mage and if she could’ve caused all this a powerful one,” it was the same deep voice she had heard before she blacked out. Looking up and she a tall, broad figure with curly blond hair and a fur cloak walking out of the room. Stopping abruptly, he glanced back towards her and their eyes met for the briefest moment. They were a warm brown like amber honey and hot whiskey. Her breath caught in her throat, she was sure everyone heard her _gulp_ at the sight of him.

Several minutes passed before her left hand sparked with the green glowing magic she had familiarized herself with while she was in the Fade. Pain shot up her arm in response and she screamed out in agony. Ranks closed in on her as she writhed. She could feel the presence of a templar Silencing her so she was powerless to do anything other than wait for it to subside.

“Can someone tell me why I’m cuffed and what the hell this is?” she said to the room. A few of them exchanged glances to one another but none of them spoke. “I know it’s connected to the Fade. Who did this too me? I have a right to know why I’ve been locked up and guarded so heavily!”

“Sorry Miss, you have to wait for Seeker Pentaghast.”

She grunted in frustration. Green glowing magic flared on her left hand again but she was better prepared for it this time and was able to fight back the groan of pain that came previously. It subsided and she realized there was nothing else she could do but wait for the Seeker.

### 

_Fuck._ She thought when she saw the Breach with her own eyes. Seeker Pentaghast was taking her to it and she couldn’t stop herself from continually looking up to see it swirling above, her brain in disbelief that it was even real. Even more so, they believed she had caused it and she really couldn’t imagine anyone would be so daft to think she was powerful enough to do such a thing.

When they reached the first fade rift she fell into battle easily enough. They had run into a few demons on their way already and though she was no true battlemage being a Knight-Enchanter certainly helped. She was surprised when the apostate mage fighting there grabbed her arm and thrust it towards the green crystals looming above them when the last demon fell. “Quickly! Before more come through!”

She felt the magic in her hand shift and twist as if intertwining with the magic of the rift. Suddenly everything fell into place and the rift burst shut. Maxiana looked to the apostate mage in confusion as he explained his theory on how the mark came to be with the same magic that caused the Breach. Cassandra _had_ told her that every time the Breach expanded her mark did as well. Maybe he was right. He seemed incredibly well versed in the subject. It was fascinating and frightening all at once.

“Good to know! Here I thought we’d be ass-deep in demons forever,” said a dwarf as he walked towards Maxiana. “Varric Tethras: rogue, storyteller, and occasionally unwelcome tag-along,” he winked at the Seeker who grunted in disapproval while holding his hand out towards Maxiana.

Something about him made her relax as she grabbed his hand and shook it, “Maxiana Trevelyan: Storm mage, former Senior Enchanter of Ostwick Circle, current prisoner of the Seeker” she said pointing at Cassandra.

“Andraste’s ass! So Cullen was right?” he asked.

“So it would seem,” Cassandra said.

“Cullen?” Maxiana asked.

“Do you remember seeing me in the Fade?” Solas inquired of her.

She nodded her head shallowly, “You are Solas?”

“Yes. We decided to try and wake you for fear of the mark spreading and killing you. Cullen was there with me when you woke. When I told him you were looking for Jadzia Feyhon and Jace Watson he recognized the names. It seems Knight-Captain Rylen had written to him about you when he found you in Ostwick.”

“Oh,” she said as the heat rose on her cheeks. “He’s the tall one with the blond hair?”

“Yep, that’s Curly,” Varric verified. “You and I were both brought here to tell our stories to the Divine. Shit got a lot worse real fast. For what it’s worth, I think your innocent. Most of us do so don’t get too worked up. You should spin a story,” Varric chuckled.

“Perhaps you’re right,” she giggled back. “That’s an interesting crossbow you have there.”

“Yeah, Bianca is one of a kind! Isn’t she beautiful?” he beamed.

“Why Bianca?”

“Sorry, that’s the one story I won’t tell. We’ve been through a lot together. What about that fancy staff of yours?” Varric asked, pointing at her back.

“Actually, I named her Ella if you must know. It’s my baby sister’s nick name and a long story. My mother gave it to me when I became a Knight-Enchanter,” she seemed back at him.

It was shorter than a typical staff falling closer to the size of a longsword. Stormheart made up its grip and there were small diamonds and amethysts placed in a pattern that reflected the image of a clear starry night along it. Between the metal and the stones it magnified her storm abilities exponentially. What made it most unique however, was how it could neatly pull apart into two separate parts. It likely cost her mother a fortune to have made and even more so to keep it a secret. It was her most prized possession.

“She always said I was clever like a rogue not too mention I’m quite small to be a warrior of any kind. She thought I might like daggers better than a sword, so I worked with the spell so I could use dagger grips instead of a hilt.” she beamed, demonstrating the staff’s ability to come apart while bringing the periwinkle purple magical daggers to life. “My ability to alter the spells earned me quite a few privileges. That’s how I know Rylen actually. I went to Starkhaven to teach class on it a couple of times.”

“Damn! No wonder Curly’s so worked up about you!” Varric chuckled.

They heard a disgusted noise come from the Seeker before she said, “We should get to the Breach. Leliana is at the forward camp still. We should meet with her first,” Cassandra commanded.

“Well, Bianca’s excited!” Varric said as he winked at Maxiana and joined behind the Seeker and apostate.

When they got to the forward camp, Maxiana could hear a man ranting before they even made it through the gate. The other woman who had interrogated her earlier was countering him. “As Grand Chancellor of the Chantry, I hereby order you to take this criminal to Val Royeaux to face execution,” he said while pointing and wagging his finger at her.

Before she knew it, the Chancellor, Cassandra, and Leliana were arguing about her fate as if she wasn’t even there. She looked over to Varric who was leaning against the wall of the bridge, who gave her an apologetic look with a smirk.

“Told ya, should’ve spun a story,” he chuckled.

“You did,” she replied. She vaguely heard them talking about options to get to the Temple when the Seeker turned to her and asked, “How do _you_ think we should proceed?”

“Now you’re asking me what _I_ think? Is this a joke?” she questioned.

“You have the mark.” Solas said.

“And you are the one we must keep alive,” Cassandra confirmed. “Since we can’t agree on our own…”

She thought over the option of going the long way through the mountains. It would be safer and she was in enough danger as it was. But something told her it wasn’t the right way to go. That they should charge with the soldiers instead. Making her decision she said, “I say we charge. This mark is killing me anyway right? What have I got to lose at this point?”

She started to walk towards the gate with Varric while Cassandra gave out orders to Leliana. The Chancellor muttered a threat but no one seemed to care.

As they walked up the path to make it to the mountain pass, Maxiana could hear the fighting taking place. Quickening their pace to join in, they came around the hill to see yet another rift impending. There were several soldiers there fighting and even more wounded. She caught sight of Rylen fighting along side a man with curly blond hair and a fur cloak. They were surrounded by demons and she reacted quickly by casting Chain Lightning, shocking them all in place.

After seeing the men make quick work of the demons surrounding them she pulled out her staff and neatly unlocked it into two, calling on her Knight-Enchanter abilities to conjure the daggers that came out of its ends. Running at full speed towards a demon nearby, she twisted her storm abilities with her Knight-Enchanter skills, feeling eyes on her but she tried her best to keep her focus. Somehow she knew they were his without even looking his way.

“Quickly! You must seal it!” she heard Solas shout at her as she killed the demon that was now being sucked back into the rift.

She thrust her hand upwards allowing the foreign energy to filter through her fingers and into the green crystals. Moving and weaving until they fell into place with each other and the rift closed.

As the glow faded she noticed directly across from her was the blonde curly haired, hot whiskey eyed, fur cloak wearing man she saw in the Chantry dungeon. Cullen they had told her his name was. He was watching her very closely, his lips parted slightly and his cheeks flush.

“Hello! Cullen!” Rylen shouted next to him waving his hand in front of his face as the group approached them.

Cullen cleared his throat, “You managed to close the rift. Well done,” he said to her not losing eye contact as he spoke.

“I told you didn’t I mate? She’s damn amazing this one,” Rylen said as he walked over to her and gave her a big hug lifting her slightly from the ground as he did. “You’re a sight for sore eyes! If I would’ve known you were the prisoner I would’ve gotten you out of that blighted dungeon a lot sooner. Like you haven’t had enough shit to deal with. I came out here to the Temple as soon as I arrived. For all the shit that’s happened you look incredible. How are you?”

“Other than being Thedas’ number one suspect for killing the Divine I’m just great,” she jested. “I owe you thanks by the way. I’m afraid I was not in such good condition when you found me. Maker knows what I would’ve done to that pathetic excuse of life had you not come and rescued me.”

“Like I was going to let that bastard hurt you! I’m surprised you didn’t just kill him,” Rylen said with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Yes, well, after the night I had, murder seemed like a bad idea,” she giggled in response. “Maybe this isn’t the best time but the two people I told you about…”

“I’m sorry, lass. They haven’t been found. We’ll keep looking,” Rylen promised as he placed his hands on both of her shoulders in reassurance giving them a little squeeze.

She caught the Commander watching them with what appeared to her as jealousy. _No, that’s ridiculous. He doesn’t even know me!_ She thought. All the same, he stood there a few feet away with his arms crossed, mouth tight in a thin line, and nostrils flaring as he breathed deeply. Feeling self-conscious, she was suddenly very aware of the frumpy green armor she was wearing and how terrible she likely looked. Rylen caught their silent exchange and smirked. Varric muttered something about a bet but she didn’t catch it as he wasn’t close by and kept a low voice.

“This here my friend, is none other than Cullen Rutherford. He is the Commander of this fine army you see before you and my savior from the corrupted Order,” Rylen boasted. Cullen’s face blushing at his friends words.

Holding out her hand, she introduced herself, “Maxiana Trevelyan. It’s a pleasure to meet you finally.” He took her hand in his but they both pulled away quickly as a small jolt of lightning escaped her palm. “Maker! I am so sorry. That happens sometimes when I’m overwhelmed. I’m sure you can imagine why.”

“I don’t think that’s why!” Varric yelled over and Rylen snickered. As Varric came closer to them he said, “Curly here has been watching you the last several days making sure you were _safe_.”

“He said it was because it was _his duty_ as the Commander but I’m sure he had other…” Rylen began but was quickly interrupted by a quick jab in his gut from Cullen whose face had turned violently red.

“It’s.. umm.. it’s all right Lady Trevelyan. I’ve been hit a few times before when I was a Templar,” his hand finding the back of his neck as he spoke.

“You can call me Maxiana,” she replied with a smile as his blush started to creep further down his face and onto his neck. “As I am a mage my father has seized to acknowledge I exist so, “ she was making him feel guilty. It was written all over his face and she felt like a complete idiot. “That is too say that I no longer use the title. Maker, I’m sorry I’m being so curt. I’m just exhausted.”

“Of course, you’ve been through quite the ordeal. My apologies, Maxiana,” he said softly, lingering on her name just a moment too long, as if he wanted it to stay on his tongue. It made her heart race.

Both of them suddenly realized they were being intensely watched by the others. Varric and Rylen looked rather pleased with themselves. Solas looked fascinated and Cassandra looked angry though there was a playfulness in her eyes. Cullen quickly steered their conversation in another direction, “The path is clear for you to go to the Temple, Maxiana.”

“You sure you don’t want to come with us Curly? I bet you’d have a good time!” Varric teased much to Rylen’s amusement and Cullen’s embarrassment.

“I can handle things here. Go to the Temple with them. Maker knows what they will face when she starts messing with that thing,” Rylen said as he pointed to the Breach.

“Let’s go then,” Cassandra said as another disgusted noise escaped her lips. “Hopefully Solas is right and your mark will seal the Breach.”

“It is _just_ a theory. But I do believe I am correct on the matter,” Solas replied.

They all turned their attention to the path leading to the Temple while Rylen made way over to the wounded soldiers. She glanced back at Cullen as she walked. He looked at her simultaneously and they both quickly looked away as he fell into step next to her. Cullen’s legs were much longer than hers given his significant height but somehow she matched his pace easily.

Sounds of their boots crunched on the snow together in unison. Occasionally, she’d pluck up the courage to look his way. When she would, she’d catch him looking at her in return, both of them quickly turning away as they made eye contact.

Every time she would be reminded of his hot whiskey eyes through the door of the Chantry dungeon. They way the amber brown color reflected the fire light from the torches, causing them to shine brightly in the dim room. Reminded her of the way they softened, just enough for her to notice, when he realized she was watching him too.

With every step, she could think of another question she wanted to ask him and in what manner he would respond. They were nearly to the Temple now and even though she knew she should be focused on the Breach, she couldn’t stop herself from hearing the way he said ‘Maxiana’ over and over again in her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	13. Ladies and Gentlemen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Maxiana, along with the others, go into the Temple of Sacred Ashes

##  **Ladies and Gentlemen**

> _“Ladies and gentlemen please_  
>  _Would you bring your attention to me?_  
>  _For a feast for your eyes to see._  
>  _An explosion of catastrophe._  
>  _Like nothing you’ve ever seen before._  
>  _Watch closely as I open this door._  
>  _Your jaws will be on the floor._  
>  _After this you’ll be begging for more.”_  
>  _~’Ladies and Gentlemen’ by Saliva_

###  **24 August 9:40 Dragon**

“Maker’s breath…” she muttered as they came to the Temple. Only hearing about the destruction from the others was nothing compared to see it with her own eyes he was sure. Watching them grow wide and the sorrow that took over her features as she took in the sight of everything.

“Are you all right?” he asked her but she didn’t respond. Even after everything he had been through, it gave him pause the first time he had seen it himself. She seemed to be rooted to the spot and her hands squeezed her head tightly. Eyes welled with tears and became unfocused, he moved closer to her unsure of what he would even do. All he knew was that she was afraid and he wanted to take her fear away.

“I think she may be in shock Curly,” Varric said.

“Maxiana. _Maxiana,”_ he said with force. Placing his hands on her shoulders, trying to pull her attention. Her face softened and her hands loosened their grip after a moment, “Are you all right?”

With absolute horror on her face, tears now falling from her eyes despite her obvious efforts to contain them, she looked at him and said with an agonized voice, “Everyone thinks _I_ did this?”

“Not everyone,” he replied softly, a need to comfort and protect her giving him a burst of self-assuredness and confidence, “Maxiana, I know this is not of your doing. Many of us knew even when you fell from the Fade that _you did not do this_. Maker, Maxiana please don’t think that. We know you are innocent.”

Before he knew what he was doing he was holding her close and wrapping his arms around her. For a moment she did not move. He felt her take in a deep breath and fall into his embrace. Clutching at his fur cloak as she let out a few sobs. He knew the others were watching them but he didn’t care. Not right now when she needed his strength.

She pulled back from him and he wiped his thumbs across her cheeks to remove the moisture there. She caught her breath after a moment and said quietly, “Thank you Cullen.”

A small smile came when his finger lingered on her jaw. Periwinkle purple eyes shining so bright he could almost say they were filled with the lightning of her magic. Maker, he wanted to stare into them forever. Trying to stay focused, he couldn’t stop his mind from wandering. When he was on duty, nothing stood in his way, physically or mentally. He was strong, had trained himself to repel the emotions that gave him unease and discomfort, emotions that would lead to hurt and pain. Yet standing here with her, he felt like a young boy again, infatuated with a crush. Chastising himself, he began to let go of her when her hand suddenly flared to life.

He held her opposite arm tightly, worried that she may fall from the pain he could tell she felt. Once it passed she looked up at him and said, “The Breach.”

They all looked up instinctively to see it expand just a bit further out. All of them started moving forward toward the center of the Temple where a very large rift was waiting, hearing voices ring out as they made way.

“That was the Divine’s voice!” Cassandra called out.

“How is that possible?” Maxiana asked.

“At a guess? Echoes of what happened here,” Solas replied. “The Fade bleeds into this place.”

“Maker’s breath…” Cullen exclaimed as they rounded the last corner to see a shadowed image of the Divine bound by magic. A large figure across from her calling for her sacrifice when Maxiana’s shadow entered.

“You were here! Who attacked? And the Divine, is she… was this vision true?” Cassandra shouted stalking towards Maxiana to confront her. Before he could even think of his actions, he placed himself in front of her, blocking the Seeker’s path. Cassandra’s eyes grew wide at him in surprise before they moved to examine Maxiana.

“I… I don’t remember,” she said in an unsure voice.

“Seeker, Maxiana is a mage albeit a powerful one. But I find it difficult to believe she can wield such power. I believe our attentions should be turned towards this unseen figure,” Solas reassured.

“Divine Justinia did call to her for help,” Varric added.

“Agreed. It seems I am outnumbered and seeing this vision,” she shook her head, giving Cullen an apologetic look as she stepped around him to Maxiana. “I believe you too be innocent. Please, forgive me.”

Before Maxiana could respond Solas said, “This rift is closed though it is not completely sealed. I believe with the mark you can open it so you can seal it properly.”

“That means demons! Stand ready!” Cassandra called out.

Maxiana walked over to the rift and he followed at her flank. He wasn’t entirely sure why he followed her but she was also completely unbothered by it, his actions did not seem to be his own around her anymore and he didn’t know how to feel about that. Trying desperately to convince himself he was only trying to keep her safe, it felt bitter in his thoughts. She looked back to him and after he finished checking to make sure everyone was ready and in place.

Once he was satisfied with everyone’s position he gave her a small nod. She returned it and turned her focus to the rift, lifting her left arm up and allowing the magic to flow through the mark. It took a few moments but she finally got the crystals to unlock themselves. As she did so, a large Pride demon fell from the Breach and the battle began, its screech loud and the lightning shooting out of it hands. With sword in hand, his shield at the ready, he stepped in front of her once more and took his position as the battle began.

This moment defined the thing he had been denying since she fell from the rift over a week ago. After Galadriel in the Fereldan Circle, he had sworn himself to the Chantry. Choosing to focus on his duties and the care of his fellow templars and their charges. Any desires he had were easily dismissed as he reminded himself of his oath to serve and protect for the Order. But he was no longer a templar, he was no longer bound to that life. And somehow without those barriers he knew that no matter what came, he would always stand beside her, ready to protect her at all costs. In this moment, as the Pride demon unleashed his whips of lightning around them and he fought of the Shade demons who came for her as she tried to close the Breach, he was falling in love with her. For the first time, in more years than he could count, it made him stronger and he refused to push the feeling away ever again.

###  **27 August 9:40 Dragon**

> _The sand was warm between her toes and she could feel the sun heating her skin. Maker, she missed this more than just about anything. Laying on the beach, walking along the tide, swimming in the Waking Sea. Her mother was there in the distance with all her siblings. She had a sinking feeling in her stomach that told her to flee. But she missed them so much and she wanted to see them. Only they were wrong. Her siblings were still children and she an adult. They sat there perfectly still together staring out into the horizon._
> 
> _“Kenzie… Dixi… Kai… Ella…” she called out. “Mama?”_
> 
> _She felt the tingle on her fingers just as she had the first time she had visited the Fade this way. Her body was soon alive with electricity. Periwinkle purple bolts floating all over her skin. They all pointed at her, “MAGE! MAGE! MAGE!” They chanted._
> 
> _Abruptly they stopped. But this time she saw herself as a child sitting among them and her father appeared next to her. Now they were all smiling, happy._
> 
> _“You want your family back? For you to never be a mage? Imagine how happy your Papa will be to see you come home. For you to be normal just like them.”_
> 
> _Her hands were on her head and she squeezed tightly. “Stop it, stop it. Stay away from me demon! You will not possess me so easily!”_
> 
> _“No? Perhaps a change of scenery then?”_
> 
> _Her office from the Ostwick Circle surrounded her. She was sitting at her desk just after finishing a class. A man with dark hair and beard came up to her. He placed his finger under her chin to tilt her head upwards and meet his gaze._
> 
> _“Maxiana, we finally have a moment alone. This may be as close as we ever get to the life that has been denied us. But if you were not a mage, we could get married and have children. If you were normal we could live happily into old age together.”_
> 
> _Visions flashed behind him just within her sight as he said each one. Little dark haired children running around the pair of them, laughing and giggling as they played. Her and Jace sitting in rocking chairs next to one another wrinkled and grey with age._
> 
> _“Jace…” she managed to choke out. She’d be lying if she didn’t notice the lack of desire she felt for such a life. She missed him and wanted to know that he was safe but things had changed since the night they were attacked._
> 
> _“No, no, you’re not here. You’re not really here.”_
> 
> _When he began to speak again his voice was different and the words didn’t match quite right. His face and body began to morph into a figure she was becoming entirely to aware of._
> 
> _“She’s been asleep for three days! Why can’t you wake her up like last time?”_
> 
> _“Because Commander she needs to heal. She used a significant amount of stamina and mana to close the Breach. Be patient, she will wake in time.”_
> 
> _A door opened and then promptly shut._
> 
> _“Maker’s balls, I hate this time of year when the seasons turn cold. Here, I’ve made these potions for her. If we can get them into her system she will heal much faster.”_
> 
> _“I just… I want her to be all right.”_
> 
> _“Have you heard they’re calling her the Herald of Andraste now? Fuckin’ hypocrites.”_
> 
> _“Her breathing is stabilizing more and more. She will be fine Commander. Go. Get some rest.”_
> 
> _“Cullen…” she said as she pushed the thoughts away and flared her lightning back to life. Warning the demon to stay away from her, no not her._ Him _. Or else._

Her eyes opened slowly. She looked around trying to get her bearings. She was back at Haven laying in one of the cottages outside the Chantry it seemed.

“Commander,” she heard an unfamiliar voice say.

“Thank the Maker, Thank you Adan.” he said as he patted the stranger on the shoulder then kneeled down at the side of the bed. “You’re awake, I was so worried you wouldn’t wake like before.”

“I suppose having ten days worth of sleep in less than two weeks could be alarming yes,” she said with a smile.

“I guess… yes, that’s true,” he blushed and she giggled. Maker she loved making him blush like that. She made a note to try to make him turn that shade of red as often as she could.

“How did you know you have been asleep for three days if you don’t mind my asking?” Solas inquired.

“I could hear you all talking for the last few minutes. I was in the Fade, there was a demon. But then…” she looked at Cullen. His hot whiskey eyes burning into her periwinkle purple waiting for her to finish her thought aloud, “I heard your voice.”

“Maker’s breath…” Cullen said quietly while his blush deepened and she watched him visibly _gulp_.

“It seems that your voice has been my savior lately,” she said with a warm smile as she reached over and lightly touched his arm.

“What kind of demon? Did it make itself known?” Solas asked.

“A desire demon if I’m not mistaken,” she noticed Cullen’s face turn white as a ghost at the mention of the demon before she continued, “tried to use my family and… Jace… against me,” she said the name with caution watching his reaction closely. Years of being a Templar giving him the tools he needed to keep his emotions hidden but she swore she saw hurt behind his eyes.

“She should be left to gather herself gentlemen. She’s been through a lot and I’m sure the Seeker and Spymaster will want to know she’s awake Commander,” Adan said.

Solas followed the man leaving her and Cullen alone. They had yet to be alone together and the tension was undeniable.

“Once you are ready come to the Chantry. We will be there waiting for you to discuss what comes next,” he said in a quiet voice. He rose to his feet and made his way out of the little cottage without looking back.

_Maker, I wish Jadzia was here. She’s so much better with these things than I am._ She thought to herself.

Maxiana laid there thinking about every interaction with him leading up to this one. His jealously at her playfulness with Rylen and now pain at the mention of Jace’s name? Surely he didn’t know the nature of their relationship back in Ostwick. Though it probably wouldn’t be hard to guess. A mage openly looking for a missing Templar wasn’t exactly conspicuous. She thought about what that meant for a long time before she finally decided to get up and head to the Chantry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜


	14. Fences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maxiana spars with Cassandra before heading to the Hinterlands.

##  **Fences**

> _“Don’t look up just let them think_  
>  _There’s no place else you’d rather be._  
>  _You’re always on display_  
>  _For everyone to watch and learn from._  
>  _Don’t you know by now?_  
>  _You can’t turn back_  
>  _Because this road is all you’ll ever have.”_  
>  _~’Fences’ by Paramore_

###  **30 August 9:40 Dragon**

_Herald of Andraste. Herald of Andraste._ It had been a week and it still felt incredibly strange to hear it. At the very least, _most_ everyone thought her innocent now. Few still find her guilty however, particularly one Grand Cleric. He had left shortly after she sealed the Breach ranting about going to the Chantry to invoke her imprisonment and waiting for a new Divine to judge her.

She was to head to the Hinterlands the next day with Cassandra, Varric, and Solas to meet with Mother Giselle. Leliana said this Revered Mother was a ‘reasonable sort’ and may be able to help them win the favor of the Chantry.

She couldn’t wait to leave Haven. Everywhere she went, everything she did, there were eyes on her at all times. People bowing and praying to her as she’d pass by. A few even asking for her blessing in marriage, or for a newborn babe, or for her to heal them as Andraste’s Chosen, or for some mundane completely ridiculous reason like ‘I named my cat after you Herald!’. Maker, she was getting so annoyed with it all. As a mage, being under constant watch wasn’t exactly flattering. Her anxiety had severely increased and she needed a way to manage it.

“You will likely have to fight your fellow mages,” Cassandra said to her as they walked towards the gates. Maxiana didn’t have much experience in real battle, even with the sparring sessions with Jace and Knight-Enchanter training. It was all practical and she had never really had to put it to use until recently. She had asked Cassandra to spar with her to help release some of the unwanted tension she was feeling and to brush up on her skills before their mission.

“Yes, I know,” she replied.

“Will you be ok with that? Sometimes battle requires you to put all emotion aside. Do you think yourself capable of doing such a thing?” Cassandra asked, her brow raising at the curt response she was just given.

“Honestly, I’m not sure. When Ostwick fell I only had to fight a couple of mages. People I knew. It was difficult to say the least. It’s incredibly odd how it all went down really. Most of the fighting seemed contained,” Maxiana said, unable to shake the feeling that something bigger than the mage’s rebelling happened at her home Circle. It all seemed too _calculated._

“That does seem strange,” Cassandra said as they made it to the training grounds.

Cullen was there overseeing his troops. Yelling out directives whenever someone was amiss. “There’s a shield in your hand! Block with it! If that man were your enemy you’d be dead!” he called out, shaking his head as a frustrated grunt came out of him.

She couldn’t stop the giggle that escaped her and she didn’t fail to notice the look Cassandra gave in response. The Seeker seemed to think better of it and drew her sword, “Ready?”

Maxiana nodded as she pulled out her staff and brought her magic to life. “I think the better question is are _you_ ready?”

A disgusted noise fell from Cassandra’s lips as she said, “For someone who claims to need training in battle you’re overly confident in your abilities.”

“I’m highly competitive Seeker,” she pointed her staff at the woman, “I don’t take losing lightly.”

Cassandra charged at her and the two women began dancing around each other. Maxiana kept her magic to a minimum as she needed more practice at the art of fighting rather than using her spells. She’d be encountering Templars and wanted to be able to hold her own better against them. Their stamina dwindled quickly as the two fought harder and harder. Their competitive natures wanting to force the other to submit.

Cassandra caught Maxiana in the gut and pushed her to the ground, throwing her a little ways back with the force. She pointed her sword at the mage, “Yield.”

“No!” Maxiana yelled as she pulled her staff into two magical daggers and deflected the woman’s weapon. Picking herself up off the ground and starting a new form of fighting that was unlike what most had seen. Knight-Enchanters were rare but as far as Knight-Enchanters who used daggers, she was the only one to the best of her knowledge, aside from the few she began to mentor before the fall of the Circle. For several minutes all that could be heard was the clash of Cassandra’s sword against her staff and it’s magical daggers accompanied by the grunts and groans of battle.

Being cornered by the Seeker, she thought she would have to surrender. Suddenly she felt a connection to the Veil that she hadn’t noticed before. She nearly fell backwards when she realized she had accidentally triggered the Fade Cloak spell. One of very few spells she struggled with. Within a blink she was standing on the other side of her opponent nearly ten feet away as she combined it with a Fade Step.

“Whoa,” was all she could manage to say, looking herself over in wonder.

“How did you…” Cassandra said in astonishment.

“Fade Cloak. It’s a Knight-Enchanter ability but I’ve always struggled with it. I’ve never done it that well before. It required a good amount of my mana though.”

“You shouldn’t tell your enemy you’ve just weakened yourself,” Cassandra preached as she attacked Maxiana again.

By the end of it, the women agreed on a draw. Both worn out from their efforts. Agreeing on a rematch at a later date. Cassandra walked over to shake Maxiana’s hand and it broke their trance. Feeling the silence around them, noticing eyes of dozens fixated on their match.

A crowd had gathered around them including the many soldiers what were training before. Some of them looked stunned, some fascinated, and a few looked terrified. She looked over, just by the tents where she knew he’d be. His eyes were watching her with admiration and curiosity as he leaned against the one of the post on the tent closest to him.

“Shows over folks! Those of you who placed bets come see me!” she heard Varric in the background. Cassandra stormed off after him scolding him for encouraging gambling within the Inquisition. Maxiana swore she heard him tell her to ‘relax’ and that certainly didn’t go over well.

Before she realized it her feet were taking her to the Commander, occasionally stopped by someone offering her praise and a couple of mages that asked if they could train with her. A group of the soldiers even asked for their own spar match wanting to better themselves against fighting mages. Cullen’s stare never left her with each intrusion.

“You fight unlike anything I’ve seen before,” he said when she finally made it to him. “Rylen told me you were unique in your abilities but to see it for myself… I must say I’m rather impressed,” Cullen mused.

“You’ve seen me in battle before,” she teased.

“True but this is the first time I’ve… _watched_ you,” he countered as his hand found its way to his neck.

“You do that a lot you know,” she mentioned pointing to his arm raised up behind his head.

“Oh, right… only because….I umm… I do it when I’m nervous,” he blurted out letting his arm drop back to his side.

Heat rushed to his cheeks and she was sure hers mirrored the effect, “I make you nervous?” she asked with an unsure voice.

His smirk confirmed all she needed to know. They found their way over to the steps in front of the main gate into Haven after Cullen handed training over to a Lieutenant. Everyday they had found themselves sitting on the steps at some juncture of the day. Talking with one another while they sat and watched the training grounds together.

They were becoming friends quickly and fell into sync with each other without hesitation. They talked about everything from their time in their respective Circles, their favorite books, hobbies they enjoyed, and their families.

“I grew up in Honnleath, it's close to Redcliffe and the Korcari Wilds. When I left Fereldan I didn’t expect to come back. It’s been over a decade since I was here last. Between serving the Templars and now the Inquisition I haven’t seen my family in years,” his tone was quiet and she could see how much he missed them.

“I’m familiar with the feeling. Being in the Circle we’re not meant to ever see our families,” she teased.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean… that is… Maker’s breath,” Cullen stuttered.

“It’s all right!” she laughed as she lightly pushed his arm. “Don’t worry about offending me so much! Being friends with Jadzia has made me pretty tough. She’s very forward and unafraid to speak her mind. You have to develop a tough skin with a friend like that. Besides, my mother is a persuasive woman and she found ways to contact me.”

Cullen’s brow raised at her words. “How so?”

“I haven’t any idea what she gave or promised anyone. All I knew was I would receive letters and items that were from her." She pulled out a small piece of canvas that had her family's portrait on it. "She snuck this to me once. This is her there," she pointed to each as she told him their names, "My Mum's name is Lucia, that's my father, Brett, my sister, Mackenzie, and my twin brothers Maddix and Makai. Ella hadn't been born yet."

“Are you still in touch with them?" he asked as he took the small canvas from her to examine it further.

"My father is still in Ostwick. My Mum left him when Ella came into her powers around 10 years old, nearly a decade ago now. Everyone else moved with her to Antiva with help from my grandparents. They never forgave my father for sending me to the Circle,” her voice was quiet as she spoke. His worried look caught her gaze as her eyes fill just slightly with tears at the memory of that night. _You are not my daughter mage!_ Her hands grabbed her head and she squeezed trying to rid the thought from her mind.

"What is it?" his asked, placing his arm around her shoulders and nudging her to lean on him for support.

He brought his other hand up and pushed her chin upwards when he got no response. She let her arms fall back down to her lap and her head rest on his shoulder for a moment. Noticing a few people stopping to point and whisper they quickly pulled apart.

"It's nothing. Sometimes my emotions just get the better of me," she replied. He handed the portrait back and she placed it in her satchel. "Anyway, I’d get letters from my sisters and brothers too. I was eighteen when she managed her first visit. I had just passed my Harrowing not long before. She always brought one of my siblings with her when she could, Kenzie was with her that time. That’s how she met Adrian, the Knight-Commanders son. They’re married now and have two little girls.”

“You have nieces? I have a nephew myself, Alexander.”

“I do, Kellie and Kairi, and Maddix and his wife, Emilia are expecting twins. He’ll have fun with that, being a twin himself. A full dose of this own medicine I expect,” she chuckled. “What about your family?”

“They fled to South Reach during the Fifth Blight. I have an older sister Mia, a younger brother Branson, and my baby sister is Rosalie. Alex belongs to Bran, his wife died during childbirth. It’s been more difficult for him than he tells me I think.”

“And your parents?”

“They… did not make it out of Honnleath. I was meant to visit them, but I received a letter from Mia telling me they had passed. It’s been ten years and not a day goes by that I don’t regret not seeing them after taking my vows.”

She placed her hand over his and squeezed it lightly. “I am so sorry Cullen.”

“I appreciate that,” Cullen smiled warmly at her and squeezed her hand back. “You said the Knight-Commander’s son lived in the Circle? How is that possible?” he said in wonder.

“We were the most obedient so it was easier to get away with things,” she shrugged as if questioning it herself. “There’s a theory, Knight-Commander Jorge retired shortly after First Enchanter Esme passed away. He didn’t live much longer after that. He left a note saying he couldn’t live without her. Some thought it was just because they ran the Circle together for nearly 23 years. A lot of us believed it was more likely the two of them had an affair for many of those years, maybe more even. They both lived nearly their entire lives in that tower. Which would mean Esme was Adrian’s mother and Jorge protected them somehow.”

“Your experiences and mine within the Circle are so vastly different. No wonder so many of them were so eager to start a war,” he laughed but there was a darkness behind it. “I’d imagine even rumors of such a thing would anger those in the stricter Circles.”

“Like Kirkwall? It was quite strict from what I gathered. I heard about you once you know, after the mage rebellion there,” she said as she laid flat a stray patch of fur that had been sticking out on his cloak. “I didn’t know your name only that the Knight-Captain there had stood with the mages against Meredith and he had then tried to put it back together as best he could with the Templars that we’re left. I was quite impressed with that.”

“You were?” his cheeks were bright red now and she couldn’t help but melt a little at his sincere reaction to her compliment.

“Yes, I was. Most people would’ve just let it rot away,” her voice softening as she spoke, “Cullen… you’re not like most of the Templars I knew. Even in Ostwick many of them kept their distance.”

“A habit often mistaken for coldness I’m sure. We aren’t meant to get close to our charges. If a mage is possessed or uses blood magic, you must act quickly, without hesitation. Your judgment cannot be clouded. Of course, ignoring one another does nothing to foster understanding.”

“What about me? Could you… if I…” the question hung in the air.

“Maker, I don’t want to think about that,” he replied as he pushed her hair back from her face to hook it onto her ear. Her hand moved to his to hold it there as she pressed the side of her face into it. They moved in closer to one another and she could feel his breath hit her lips when he suddenly stopped, “Herald… I don’t think we should. This is… it isn’t appropriate.”

“Herald?” she questioned.

“Commander, my Lady Herald, sorry to interrupt you but Sister Leliana wanted me to hand deliver this to you before you departed tomorrow. You never came to your cottage and it’s getting quite late,” a scout said handing her a report.

“Maker’s breath, how long have we been sitting here? It’s starting to grow dark!” Cullen said as Maxiana scanned through the report.

“Thank the Maker!” she shouted as she bounced with excitement handing him the report. “She’s done it! She found Jadzia!”

“She’s in the Hinterlands in the Templar Encampment?”

“Yes, that bits a tad alarming but at least I know where she is so I can find her and get her out. Still no word on Jace, which is disappointing to say the least. I was hoping somehow they ended up finding each other. I’m going to go speak to the others.”

She hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek. Pulling away so quickly he didn’t have time to respond. She was sprinting up the stairs and into Haven by the time his thoughts caught up with him. He touched his cheek where her lips had been and smiled to himself as he got up to rejoin his soldiers. He heard the bell ring at the Chantry soon after and dismissed them for supper.

_She’s going to be gone for weeks. I wonder if she’d sit with me for supper before she leaves. No, you can’t. She’s the Herald and you’re the Inquisition’s Commander. It wouldn’t be right. She is a mage and you were a Templar. If she knew the truth, she certainly wouldn’t want you. Besides, she’s still looking for this Jace…_

His thoughts soon escaped his reason when he thought of them walking outside her cottage door the next morning. Accompanying her to the gate and wishing her safe travels then kissing her goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜
> 
> I have been working on this [DA 100 Prompt list](https://mxcatterbug.tumblr.com/post/113139610914/dragon-age-100-challenge) for Maxiana to help me develop her character and relationships more. The second prompt, love, of course made me think of Maxiana and Cullen! It sparked a short story about their spot on the stairs leading to how they both come to see it at 'their spot'. It's a definite moment of weakness for Cullen and anticipation for Maxiana. If you'd like to give it a read, [you can do so here!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19335637/chapters/46062139)
> 
> ***Author's Note: Maxiana really underestimates herself as a fighter. She'd rather avoid confrontation of any kind, especially physical but the training she gained by studying as a Knight-Enchanter gives her more experience than she realizes. Even so, I think Cassandra was going _very easy_ on her while progressively pushing her harder. I would absolutely love to write it all out but its not really in my wheelhouse.


	15. With All My Love

###  **30 August 9:40 Dragon**

> _Dearest Mother,_
> 
> _I am currently in Haven with the Inquisition. Something strange has happened. Have you heard what happened at Divine Justinia’s Conclave? I was at the there during the explosion and I woke being told I had physically walked and survived the Fade with a foreign magic on my left hand. I don’t remember any of it and that is certainly complicating matters._
> 
> _The ambassador here, Josephine Montilyet, says she is familiar with our family. Hopefully I am not out of line in telling her to reach out to you for any assistance our family may be able to provide. Maker knows this war needs to come to an end. It’s even worse here in Fereldan._
> 
> _It seems that I am now the key to stopping this madness. They are calling me the Herald of Andraste. Maker, I don’t know what to make of it, Mum. What in Thedas would Papa think if he knew? All those years ago he cast me aside like I was nothing. Like I would never be more than just a mage._
> 
> _They have offered me asylum in exchange for my help and I fully intend to give it. Hopefully when this is all over I can just come home. I miss you all terribly and with the fall of the Circles I can’t see anywhere else they can force me to be._
> 
> _Rylen is here so that helps a little. A familiar face in a foreign time. He’s still as he was back when I visited Starkhaven. Bastard knows it too. You should’ve seen him, Mum. He can be such a flirt! Do you remember the last time I saw him? Maker…_
> 
> _I assure you that I am safe and in capable hands. The Commander here, Cullen Rutherford, has seemed to make it his personal mission to keep me safe. We have spent some time together and I can see us being good friends. There’s something about him, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s as if I am drawn to him without explanation. I wish you were here to talk too._
> 
> _How is Ella doing with her abilities? It seems with the fall of the Circles we are all apostates now. At least that’s what one of the other mages here claims and I can’t say I disagree. Perhaps she could come to us here and train under me now? I was a Senior Enchanter after all._
> 
> _Remember how Jadzia and Jace had disappeared after Ostwick fell? The Inquisition’s Spymaster has found Jadzia. She’s in the Hinterlands with some templars. I only hope that it’s not one particular templar though I am nearly certain that it is. I will be heading out at first light tomorrow where I will be searching for her and meeting with Revered Mother Giselle from the Chantry. No word on Jace, however. There are strange whispers of things happening within the Order that I do not like one bit. I hope he turns up soon._
> 
> _Please be safe and give my love to everyone, especially those little nieces of mine. Maker, I miss you all so much. Think about what I said about Ella, this is a scary time as a mage and I can get her protection here._
> 
> _With all my love,_  
>  _Ana_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 💜
> 
> Author's note: This was originally to her sister, Mackenzie. After going back, it made more sense for it to be directed to her mother instead. It didn't change much if you had read it before but a few things were added.


	16. Kaleidoscope Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After making it to the Hinterlands to meet with Mother Giselle, Maxiana accidentally reveals a secret she's kept to her companions.

##  **Kaleidoscope Heart**

> _“All the colors of the rainbow_  
>  _Hidden ‘neath my skin._  
>  _Hearts have colors_  
>  _Don’t we all know?_  
>  _Red runs through our veins._  
>  _Feel the fire burning up._  
>  _Inspire me with blood_  
>  _Of blue and green._  
>  _I have hope_  
>  _Inside is not a heart_  
>  _But a kaleidoscope.”_  
>  _~’Kaleidoscope Heart’ by Sara Barielles_

### 9 Kingsway 9:40 Dragon

They had finally made it to the Crossroads in the Hinterlands to meet with Mother Giselle a few days prior. Refugees overloaded the small area and were in desperate need of supplies. They had gone out and hunted down rams, looked for abandoned caches, even going to a cult to ask a man’s son for a breathing potion for his wife. Doing anything they could to bolster the Inquisition’s name.

Master Dennet was next on their list in the vast place. Rumor said the Templar Encampment was close by the horse master and Maxiana was eager to find her friend. She had secretly hoped Jace would be there too by some miracle but she doubted that would be the case. Fatigue had already begun to sink in and they still had so much left to do before heading to Val Royeaux.

“Is it just me or does everything here sort of, blend together?” Varric mused.

“I’m pretty sure we passed the same spot three times today. Does anyone have the map?” Maxiana’s words slurred together as she spoke.

Cassandra let out a disgusted noise as she dug the map out from the requisitions table setup there. She brought it over to the others and sat down next to them around the fire. “Herald, please do not tell me you are drunk!”

“Psh, nah. I’m just fine,” Maxiana dismissed before falling into a fit of laughter.

“All right, hand over the bottle Rabbit,” Varric held his hand out waiting for the glass container.

“Hey, why do you call me Rabbit?” She drank the bottle dry before she handed it to him. “Here ya go, no use to me now anyway.”

“Andraste’s tits Rabbit! That’s whiskey you know? Are you gonna be all right? I got enough shit to worry about and I don’t want to have to go back to Haven and tell Curly you drank yourself to death.”

“Ha!” she exclaimed loud enough for the dwarf to cover his ear for a moment, “I told you I’m fine and you didn’t answer my question _dwarf!_ ”

“I call you Rabbit because you’re fast, like a jack rabbit. You’re kinda small for a human too and you also seem to hear everything…” Varric answered leaning away from her as she wobbled around, unable to hold her balance.

“Oh, like placing bets about me and Cullen?” she raised her brows at him and he squirmed under her stare a bit.

“Shit, you heard that? Yep, Rabbit suits you,” he nodded.

“Ok I like my name a lot better now,” she hiccuped as she spoke. Her eyes opened widely in shock and she felt defensive as his words sunk in, “Hey! I’m not that small!”

“You’re not much bigger than me and I’m a dwarf,” Varric defended with a shake of his head. “Does that mean I get to ask a question?”

She swung her hand in the air attempting to say, ‘ask away’ but it definitely didn’t sound like it.

“Whose this Jace you’ve been looking for?” he asked before taking a drink.

“Oh,” was all she managed to say. She noticed them both watching her trying to gauge her reaction to the inquiry, her liquid courage giving her the confidence to just say the truth. “Jace was a Knight-Loo, a Knight-Loo, _fuck_ , a Templar that was promoted from Hasmal to Ostwick. When he came he was stationed in my office and classroom. It didn’t take long before we were fucking each other every chance we got. Shit gets lonely in the Circle and we were alone. A. Lot.”

“Note to self, our Herald curses when she’s drunk,” Varric chuckled.

“Yes well, that my friend, that would be Z’s doing. I used to be a good little proper noble girl. Then I met Z and BAM!” she clapped her hands together as she shouted, “Next thing I know, I was a Senior Enchanter fucking fucking Templars all over the place. Sneaking around and shit. Well, _a_ Templar in Ostwick at least. Not too mention all the other shit I did elsewhere.”

“Elsewhere?” Varric inquired, his head snapping up to her.

“It’s… complicated. Still, little noble Maxiana wouldn’t ‘ave ever done that.”

“So he’s just a Templar that you used to sleep with?” Varric inquired. His only response was shrugged shoulders. “Maybe you should tell Curly. I got the impression he thinks Jace means more to you than that.”

Maxiana started laughing uncontrollably at the suggestion. “Why? It’s _inappropriate,_ ” she said mockingly. Looks of surprise found her as she continued, “That’s what he thinks. I, on the other hand, don’t give two fucks that I’m the Herald if it means I can’t fuck whoever I want. Him and his stupid hot whiskey eyes and being tall and handsome and being all Commandery and being all ‘Maker’s breath’” she said trying her best to imitate his voice. “He may be the most damn infuriating and tantalizing person ever.”

Varric began laughing as Cassandra said, “Sweet Andraste. Perhaps you should get some rest.”

“No way. You guys are my friends… I’m having fun with my friends… looking at this map!” she exclaimed while shaking it vigorously in front of them with a look of excitement like she’d forgotten she was even holding it in the first place.

“She’s gone completely mad hasn’t she?” Cassandra asked to no one in particular.

“Seriously Rabbit, what’s going on? You can’t seriously drink that much whiskey and expect us to believe that’s what’s bothering you so much,” Varric pressed.

Before she could stop herself she blurted out, “Today is not good… today… my son turned six years of age.”

“What the hell are you talking about? You have gone crazy!” Varric shouted while Cassandra’s eyes grew wide.

“Nope, nope, nope,” she enunciated each one more than the last, dragging them out. “9 Kingsway 9:34 Dragon was the worst day of my life,” she suddenly burst into laughter which she struggled to contain to say, “They took him. I’m a mage… not allowed. I… deserve it.”

She fell backwards as she passed out from drink. Snoring so loud they were sure all of Thedas could hear her.

“Well, shit,” Varric said. “I was definitely not expecting _that._ ”

After debating the news they had just gotten about their companion they agreed it was best not to mention it anyone, _ever._ They cornered the scouts there and swore them to secrecy while they were at it. Deciding to not even mention it to Maxiana since it was likely she’d forget the whole conversation even took place. Between the two of them they managed to get her into her tent and laying on a cot.

“If this gets out Seeker,” Varric said before turning in himself.

“I know Varric,” was all she said before they both went to their tents for the night.

 

### 10 Kingsway 9:40 Dragon

She woke the next morning with what could only be described as the worst migraine imaginable. She quickly placed her hand on her head waiting for the healing green magic to flow into her and take it away. Sounds of whispered conversation were heard a few feet away. Smelling breakfast cooking on the fire propelled her out of bed.

After getting up and putting on her armor, she walked out of the tent to find her three companions sitting around the fire eating. She quickly joined them when her tummy grumbled in hunger as the smell of cooked eggs and toasted bread hit her senses.

“Morning! How are we feeling about meeting with Master Dennet?” she asked taking a spot next to Varric.

They were eying her carefully and it made her self-conscious. Broken and hazy memories from the night before crossed her mind. Sure, she had way too much to drink and she couldn’t stop chastising herself for letting her guard down so easily. But the looks they were giving her, she wasn’t quite sure what they were for. What had she said?

“We’re all fine here. How are _you_ feeling?” Varric offered.

“I know I had a lot to drink,” she said as she raised her hands up in defense. “I apologize for any bad behavior if there was any. I typically don’t drink like that and I don’t really remember much after arriving at camp.”

“Nothing?” Cassandra asked.

“I remember drinking a lot of whiskey,” Maxiana replied sheepishly.

“You seem awfully chipper for drinking _so much_ whiskey,” Varric muttered under his breath.

“You healed your headache?” Solas asked and she nodded in response.

“Good. There are reports of fade rifts surrounding Redcliffe farms where Dennet resides. It would do us well to take care of them first before we meet with him. May help us gain his favor.”

After finish their meal, the group gathered their supplies and headed to the north where a fade rift just beyond the farms could be seen. As they moved, every-so-often one of them would give her a strange look. Sometimes confused, or surprised maybe. No, that wasn’t quite it. It was sympathy. Every time, her heart would drop to her stomach and her mind would race trying to remember exactly what they had talked about the night before. _Maker, what in Thedas could I have…_

Bold green light came to life on her left as they neared the rift and the anchor connected to its magic. Everyone turned their attention to the demons pouring out of it, clearing them easily and closing it before speaking with Dennet and his wife.

“You closed that rift?” Dennet said after welcoming them into his home.

“I did,” Maxiana answered with confidence.

“That’s a good start. But that’s not all that’s been plundering our farms. There have been bandits attacking us from all sides and there’s a pack of wolves in the Northern Caves that’s been giving us trouble,” his wife, Elaine said.

“What can the Inquisition do to help?” she replied.

After dealing with the wolves they found another rift looming at the waterfall nearby. As a despair demon fell from the green crystals they charged forward. It was a close fight but they hadn’t received any damage that couldn’t be healed with magic, potions, and tonics. It was nearly sunset now and the sky had turned a brilliant pink along the horizon and the moons had begun to rise. The Inquisition camp wasn’t far from where they were and they decided to rest for the night.

“Who wants to write to Curly and tell him about the watchtowers?” Varric asked. “Personally, I think it’d be best received from Rabbit.”

“Why is that dwarf?” she teased, lightly pushing his shoulder.

“Oh you know, you just squeeze your arms together, puff out your lip, and bat your lashes and he’d be so _tantalized_ he’d probably come out here and build the damn things himself,” the dwarf joked, imitating the motions.

She looked at her friend with a look of innocence before Solas laughed much to everyone’s surprise. “Chuckles! I knew you had it in you!” Varric teased.

“With such a proper assessment and the Herald’s obvious ignorance to such a statement I can’t help but be amused,” Solas offered.

“And he’s back,” Varric said as he shook his head.

“I have noticed the two of you spending an awful lot of time together,” Cassandra mused.

“We’re just friends,” she said trying to hide the bitter tone she was sure came out. Cassandra quickly looked away and Varric gave her an apologetic look. _Oh no. What did I say last night?_ She thought. “All right, what is it? Did I talk about this already?”

“You may have mentioned that he thinks it’s inappropriate,” Varric confirmed.

“Anything else?” she challenged as her brows rose in anticipation.

“You also said he was tantalizing,” Cassandra added.

“Oh no, Maker, please tell me I did not say that!” she grumbled.

“Oh yes Rabbit, you most certainly did,” Varric verified as his laughter returned.

After teasing her a bit more they decided to drop the subject after she agreed to write the report. A strange silence fell over them as they sat and ate supper before turning in for the night. Cassandra seemed to be working extra hard not to look in her direction, Solas had eaten quickly and fled to his tent, but Varric kept glancing at her and asking her tons of questions. Usually, she didn’t care much. It was in Varric’s nature she had figure out quickly after meeting him. He liked to know people and that meant asking a lot of questions. But tonight, something was… off. His words were more careful and the questions were more specific.

All in all she shrugged it off. Figuring that perhaps he just wanted to get to know her better. When she finished eating, she excused herself and went into her tent, sitting down on her cot. Pulling out a piece of parchment, she thought about what to write. This was her first formal report for the Inquisition but she couldn’t help but be aware that she was writing it _to him._

It took her a few tries to get the words right. She was used to writing such documents as a Senior Enchanter but thoughts of him holding this report in his hands, touching her wax seal, and reading her words all clouded her mind. After several attempts, she decided that what she had written would just have to be good enough. Her mind kept wandering, and she was sure she had rambled about in the letter given her stray thoughts. Once she was finished, she looked it over a few times just to be sure. Exhaustion and a full belly was making it hard for her to keep her eyes open but something caught her attention that shook her awake.

Right at the top, she had written it without really thinking too much about it. It was normal for a letter or report and it came naturally but tonight it caused her to panic. It was the date, 10 Kingsway 9:34 Dragon. Her son would’ve turned six years old yesterday. No wonder she had drank so much. Something must’ve triggered the reaction surly but then she couldn’t stop thinking about all the looks she had been given throughout the day by her companions.

Raising quickly from her seat she torn open the tent in hopes to find them still sitting there near the fire but only Varric remained. When he turned toward her, his furrowed brow smoothed as he studied her expression.

“Shit,” he whispered. “You remembered?”

“Can you just come in here a moment?” she asked him quietly holding the flap open until he entered then quickly placing a sound drowning ward on its fabric. She paced a few moments, her arms crossed and one hand pulling at her lip. Each time she tried to approach the subject, she’d lose her nerve or get anxious it wasn’t the right thing to say.

“Maybe I should talk first?” Varric offered. “Cassandra and I know you have a son who was born in the Circle. We’re pretty sure Chuckles knows too.”

Maxiana stopped moving, her head snapping to where he stood. It wasn’t like him to be quite so direct. He always found a way to skirt around it. Shit.

“How do you know that exactly?” she asked deciding not to offer any information up.

“You told us last night,” Varric said with a sigh before sitting at the end of her cot. “I felt kinda bad, I was pushing you but I had no idea it was that deep. I thought maybe it was the mission or something like that.”

Maxiana nodded her head. It was starting to come back to her now. How she had downed the whiskey bottle and made the confession to them before passing out.

“Look Rabbit, we understand this needs to stay a secret. If anyone finds out about this boy who knows what could happen to him or you.” Varric offered as she sat next to him.

Her heart began to race and her palms felt clammy. She hadn’t thought about it that way. It was a secret she had kept to herself for many years. Esme and Jorge were the only other ones who knew the boy was hers and both of them were gone. But they had assured her that he would be safe, that he would be well taken care of. Maxiana had absolutely no clue if they had gotten the boy out of the Circle or where he had ended up. She told Varric as such but he was unconvinced.

“Babies born by mages in the Circle are given to the Chantry. He’s likely being trained as a Templar right now as we speak,” Varric told her. “I’d imagine they were just trying to spare you the truth.”

“You think the Chantry would use him against me if they have him?” she questioned.

“I… think that’s a question better suited for the Left or Right Hand,” Varric suggested.

“Perhaps,” she thought aloud.

“We took care of the guards that overheard. The three of us won’t tell anyone either. As long as you keep it contained, the boy should be safe,” he shrugged before getting up and heading towards the tent’s entrance.

“Varric,” Maxiana whispered, continuing when he stopped short of the ward she had set. “Thank you.”

Turning his head just enough for her to catch his eye, he gaveshort nod before leaving the tent and effectively breaking the ward.

_The boy should be safe. Should be. Should be._ She thought over and over again. It wasn’t very reassuring. For the first time since she had given birth, she thought about him. Wondering what he looked like, did he have her eyes or was his hair color the same? What if he’s a mage?

_Maker, what if he’s a mage?_

The idea that he would come into his powers under the grips of the Chantry made her nauseous. Perhaps Varric was right. Cassandra already knew her secret now and Leliana had the means at her disposal to help her search for the child. But something about it, it just didn’t sit right with her.

She barely knew these people and though she adored Divine Justinia, she had no idea if they both held the same beliefs or would have the same compassion she was sure the Divine herself had.

Getting up from the cot, she grabbed the parchment, folding it neatly and placing it in an envelope. Flipping it over, she wrote out “Commander Cullen Rutherford” on the smooth surface. Staring at his name while she waited for the ink to dry a thought occurred to her.

Cullen had been a Templar before, a fairly well respected one from what she knew. Surely this had given him connections of his own. A Knight-Commander in the Free Marches would know what would happen to the children born in the Circles more than others wouldn’t he? But to ask for his help meant revealing her secret and the thought of that made her anxious.

Forcing herself to breath deeply, she tried to reign in her emotions to keep her magic under control. Placing the wax seal on the envelope, she handed it off to a messenger before turning to her cot to rest. As she laid, scenarios played over and over in her head about how he would react, what would happen if they succeeded in tracking him down if he agreed to help. Certainly she couldn’t just take him in the name of the Inquisition, especially if he was being held by the Chantry, could she?

No, perhaps its better that it remained a secret for now. It’s not like the Inquisition would be the safest place for the boy and getting her hopes up that they would find him only to hit a dead end would be much too hard for her to bare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am in fact, alive! Ha! My life, in a nutshell, has been nothing short of a clusterfuck over the last many months and there seems to be little relief from said chaos in sight anytime soon. I have been wanting to get to this chapter for many weeks and finally ~~told my many mental illnesses to go fuck themselves~~ found time to do it! As always, thank you for reading and please don't hesitate to leave a comment! 
> 
> Previous readers: First, thanks for sticking with me. You are the bees knees and even though I don't know you, I love you! As I went through this chapter I thought to myself, "Self, what the actual fuck is going on in this chapter?" This chapter made very little sense before so it's changed a bit. I have no idea why I thought Maxiana revealing her son to Varric and Cassandra while also never confronting it or acknowledging it much would work so I went in a different direction this time around. I hope you like it!


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